


The Brain’s Butter Knife

by The_Berriest_Berry



Category: Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six (Video Games)
Genre: Age Difference, Cancer, Cuddling & Snuggling, Feelings Realization, Finland (Country), Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Sorry, M/M, Major Illness, Memories, Men Crying, My First Fanfic, No Action, Romantic Tension, Sassy, Team as Family, Time Skips, Tumor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-25
Updated: 2017-10-17
Packaged: 2019-01-05 03:34:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 37,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12182100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Berriest_Berry/pseuds/The_Berriest_Berry
Summary: They’re special, he thinks, they work well together; they’re true partners. But there’s something changing within Kapkan, it’s hurting him. Tachanka knows that he’s not taking it well, but he can’t help but feels it’s his fault somehow, that he’s wasted Kapkan’s precious time. And he thinks that the only way to save him is to just let the metaphorical knife separate them, once and for all.They were special, Kapkan thought, but he let him get away…





	1. 1. Memories

**Author's Note:**

> So... this is awkward. Basically my friend talked me into posting this story online after hearing about it and learning that I wanted to post it, but decided not too (So if you like it, thank him). I don't remember the story behind this fic. to be honest, all I remember is listening to Weird Al while writing the sadder parts, which is common for me. 
> 
> Sometimes I think it gets out of character, or, if it is in character, then it sometimes the characters stop being professional (?) (Not spoiler, but Doc does this I feel). But none the less I wrote did my best, it's not the best story, pretty cheesy, but I'm, proud, none the less. Also, I did my best to base the writing style off of Tachanka's personality... I think it works.

He remembers everything; what they use to do, the repeated ongoing conversations, the long comforting gazes.

He remembers staying up late, laying on the top bunk as the other man laid on the bottom of his. So much room between them, enough to fit a simple window, a small round carpet and two nightstands, as well as the light of the moon and the stars.

He remembers the night in which this night ritual started: the "famous" Rug and Ladder incident.

For whatever reason, Alexsandr couldn't sleep, yet his body said otherwise. And so, he figured, for the first few hours of the night, he kept his eyes closed, hoping that this would be enough to improvise until the next morning.

He figured he wasn't alone; kept hearing a rustling sound from Maxim. Though his back was turned, he pictured Maxim's body, turning this way and that, never able to find comfort. And a part of him admitted that the movement had a bit of a pattern to it; there would be some rustling, slow and steady, careful not to wake anyone. Then no noise, lasting only for a few minutes, seconds sometimes, before it would be being again, sometimes including a sigh.

But then one moment it just stopped, just for a moment, no noise was made. It sparked Alex's interest.  
He turned to see Maxim's back towards him, silent, relaxed, not moving. Nothing particularly interesting, soAlexsandr laid down once more, hoping it would be daytime soon.

But then he heard a creak on the wood floor, the small carpet they kept between the bed made a quick moving sound, and Alex felt the bunk quake; a shake so violent that Alex was surprised that the light sleeping Timur had not awoken to see what was the matter.

He was quick to see what had happened, quick to see Maxim's supporting a heavily bleeding nose, eyebrows furrowed in pain, face red like a fever. He was quick to help his dear friend, help to clean the mess, to get the bleeding to stop, to put him to bed.

He learned a few things that night; learned that Maxim could laugh off his pain, but that he cried when his bones would break. He learned that Max was having trouble sleeping lately, moving back to Headquarters and all. He wanted to spend the sleepless night with Alex, just to walk around the old city.

With a gentle smile, Alexsandr had turned down the offer, to his own displeasure, and climbed back into his own bed, regret filling his mind. After some time, the two started talking, they laughed, they shared quiet moments, until they fell asleep, only to be woken up by Timur just a few hours later.  
And so, the nightly ritual was born. A time for the two to relax and just talk. They let their worries about their job disappear and would just talk, mostly 'normal people stuff', but really it would be about anything.  
Sometimes there would be nothing to talk about, so long thoughtful gazes became a thing. At times, giggles and slight blushes would ensue, mostly from Max, who at times had to shy away, his gaze falling to the floor or out the window, a lovely smile on his face. Usually it would be Maxim who fell asleep, but Alexsandr was sure that sometimes Max lasted longer then he did.

As time passed they began to sneak out sometimes, and they would walk late at night through the city of Hereford, uncaring of how they looked. Here, talking was not routine. Instead they would try to make each other laugh with physical touches, Maxim's arms hugging Alexsandr's. And it wasn't until Maxim wanted to stop at a late-night café, despite Alexsandr's plea, that this became routine, in which every Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday they would go to the same café, just for Maxim to order a different variation of drinking chocolate.

Alexsandr didn't mind this though. Instead it helped him to learn new things about the man he thought he knew everything about; that occasionally Maxim could be the childish one, and Alexsandr would be the serious one. He learned that it was easy to make his friend laugh, and if he laughed too much tears could come out. He learned that a laugh from a man could sound as beautiful as it could from a woman, and that a red, glowing face under a warm streetlight could make anyone ten times younger. On a childish note, he learned that Maxim never had drinking chocolate as a kid, and never thought to have it when he got older, only now wanting to try as much as he could now, before he could possible died in some horrible accident.

Of course, Alexsandr couldn’t help but pick on his friend, even going as far as ordering a spicy drinking chocolate. He laughed as Max drank it, confused, only to get revenge on him the next morning; With the help of Timur, they were able to drench Alex in with water guns and a small bucket. It was a pleasant surprise, so nice Alexsandr was forced to clean up after them, though he did so with a smile.

They talked about it later, Maxim explained that Alexsandr's 'clever' drinking chocolate prank wasn't so clever. Cute, but not clever.

____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____

Gazes were becoming common, the norm; sometimes Alexsandr would be face to face with the younger man, who would often just walk over to the bunk, laying his head down on Alex’s bed as the two whispered to each other, something that would happen until Alex felt himself begining to doze off. He would watch Maxim say his ‘Good nights,’ before returning to his bed.

Sometimes, when Maxim wasn't by Alex's side he would be in a deep asleep, not to be disturbed. Alexsandr would watch him these nights, bored and not tired. His gaze would stay on Maxim's peaceful frame, which was kind enough to face him. If his eyes would run dare to run somewhere else, even for a second, they would go back to the sleeping man.

Truth be told, he wanted the other man to wake up, to talk to him, to see his shyness, to hear his laugh. But though he wanted to him up, he never did dared, too.

Sleep could be a man's best friend, and sleep could make beautiful memories happen, even if they were boring.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes we should express our gratitude for the small and simple things like the scent of the rain, the taste of your favorite food, or the sound of a loved one's voice.   
> \- Joseph B. Wirthlin
> 
> “When I saw you I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew.”   
> ― Arrigo Boito

To be honest, it should've been his first clue; when he woke up next to his friend, tucked oh-so tightly in the same bed next to him, facing him. 

His sleeping face, usually peaceful from a far, now contorted in pain. He was stupid enough to figure that it was a migraine.

Tachanka gentle ran his fingers over the other's cheek, soft and warm. Fingers touched the tragus and his palm was more than free to cup his face. His thumb traced invisible lines repeatedly; up and down, up and down. It’s the first time they have actually slept in the same bed together, under the same sheets, and Tachanka realizes just how wonderful it is.  
How does one ask to feel so alive in moments where their future lays uncertain and dangerous?

Tachanka asks himself this, along with similar questions that lay deep down inside of him. He comes up with nothing, instead he thinks he feels the answer, thinks it's the feeling you get when you're with the people you love, doing what you love. 

He accepts this. Believes it to be the answer without uncertainty, and moves his arm around Kapkan's neck. His back isn't touching the wall now anymore, and the tip of his nose is gently touching the other's.

No, he wasn't going to get up, not yet. He wasn't going to potentially accidentally wake up Kapkan, just to get ready for the day. He is in bliss, he can wake up later.  
He wonders what time it is, a quick glance and he sees Glaz still in bed, too early. He sees the lights are on and realises Fuze must be awake. The sun hasn't dyed the world a blue hue yet, and he figured it's about late 4, early 5.

He settles back down, closes his eyes, now determine to get some sleep.   
____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
He reawakens again, the lights are off but the sun in the sky gives the room enough light to see properly. 

Tachanka finds himself in the same position he was in when he fell asleep, and he's not all too sure why he hasn't moved. Maybe his body was too comfortable to move, to lazy. Maybe he was too afraid of waking Kapkan, as there’s just not enough room in the bed. 

Kapkan didn’t seem to have cared about Tachanka at all; he lays on his back, head facing the opposite direction. Tachanka takes the opportunity to put his face in the crook of his friend's neck, feels his breath bounce off soft heated skin. Bliss.

They stayed like that until the younger man wakes up, turning his head, curious as to what Tachanka was doing. 

He greeted him with a smile. Half way sleep, Tachanka could not hear him. So, he grunted at the noise, earning a laugh from his friend. 

Kapkan moves towards the other man, his hands in the space between their chest, one of Tachanka's around Kaplan's neck, the other around his waist.

They smiled sweetly at each other, and Kapkan closed his eyes comfortably as foreheads touch. 

He seemed settled from the migraine, but it's after effects are still noticeable. Despite his deep sleep, he carried bags under his eyes. He looks older and his smile stays tight despite being genuine.

But he's peaceful. And he doesn't complain. Not once.

Time passes and they figure it is time to leave the bed and get on with their day, but no one moves. Instead they wait for Glaz to come in and gently shake them, telling them that breakfast is ready. And even then, they still do not move. They lay there, Kapkan back on his back, staring at the ceiling and Tachanka making light touches to his arm.   
They don't let too much time pass, though. The first one to leave the bed is of course Kapkan, who goes to collect a couple of items, toothbrush, soap, clothes, whilst Tachanka watches from a far, head held by his hand. Occasionally Kapkan calls to him, asking him questions. The first of being "What are you thinking".

Tachanka, he doesn’t give it a second, he doesn’t even need to think. He just talks and doesn't care about what he says, something he'd wish he'd work on, but he doesn't, he never does. Kapkan seems interested, though, to say the least, and everything he says is to make the other continue. It makes Tachanka more comfortable.

Eventually he heads to the bathroom. After a while, Tachanka decides to head there as well, but he is late, and already sees Kapkan in the shower, the door murdering any viewing pleasures, so he simply takes his toothbrush and loads paste on it. Kapkan's voice comes suddenly, and he just slightly looks, not glaring, at the door; Kapkan is still in there, washing up. 

It is not quiet as the two continue with what they are doing. Kapkan mostly talks. He partly gives his opinion on any of Tachanka's thoughts that were said earlier, makes some good points, and then changes the subject. Tachanka wants him to stay on it, likes hearing what he has to say, but he can't tell him as his mouth is full of foam, something he's trying so hard not to make into a mess.

Kapkan eventually comes out of the shower, seeing his friend waiting for him. He asks Tachanka to hand him a towel, to which he fulfils, only to turn around and start washing his face, giving the other privacy to dress. He hears the rustling of the towel and glares into the mirror, but barely sees anything. 

What he does see, however, is Kapkan being unusually slow. Pain is written in stone on his face, but it's something that is not noticeable, and Tachanka is glad he doesn't fall for the fake mask, the one that says that everything is okay. He tells Kapkan that he looks like he is in pain, offers a pill, and when Kapkan replies with a no he continues to add soap to his face.

Then he adds water, and feels two naked arms wrap tightly around his waist. He blushes as Kapkan picks on him, tells him things as if he was supposed to be Tachanka's wife; Tachanka begins to hate him, but it is in a childish manner and shouldn't be taken seriously. He even says it aloud, which earns him a laugh. The arms let go and he hears the rustling of clothes before Kapkan pats Tachanka's back and heads outs. Tachanka finishes and follows, deciding to skip a shower, but the sight of Kapkan making his bed, makes him change his mind. He suddenly rummages through his dresser, looking for certain items, ignoring Kapkan’s surprised eyes at his sudden behaviour. When he’s certain he’s found everything, he leaves, ignoring Kapkan’s call.   
____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
The shower helps to clear his mind. He begins to sort things out, but Kapkan calls him, starting another conversation. He doesn't know where he is, but he smiles and talks back to him. The conversation is the thing most on Tachanka's mind, so he takes longer than usual, and when he's done he realises that he forgotten to bring a towel. But he turns off the shower head and stands there a bit. Kapkan tells him to come to him, and Tachanka, with no other option, does as he is told. Opening the door, he sees Kapkan staring him in the eyes, a small smile on his face and a towel stretched out in his hands. 

Tachanka laughs and tells the smaller man he hates him. Kapkan wraps the towel around his friend's waist with a smile.  
____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
Breakfast isn't much. There's not a lot of people in the cafeteria, but it is too early for it to be filled anyways. Though the two Russian Defenders typically come in when it’s filled, they decide to meet up with Glaz and Fuze. 

The two chatters on their way there. Their talk is on nothing important. Instead it's like a game, like Word Salad or I Spy or 5 Things. They play it until they get into the cafeteria, where they see a familiar Recruit, who Kapkan never seems strict too. Tachanka doesn't know where he is from, but he does know that he is slower, mentally, then the rest of the people in his squad, but he is a good soldier and does exactly what he is told, so he gives Kapkan no problems.

The two make small talk. Watching, there is an obvious problem, one that is noticeable but the Recruit doesn't seem to have noticed, and if he did he doesn't care. When the conversation ends Kapkan can't help but to pull Tachanka close. He tells him that he had forgotten the poor Recruit's name, and was too embarrassed to ask what it was.   
Tachanka chuckles at his sudden shyness, tells him it's George, only for Kapkan to simply nod.

They make their way to Glaz and Fuze, where Kapkan once again forgets someone's name; it's Glaz. It’s painfully obvious when they get to the table, so he greets Fuze first, then struggles. But he comes through, somewhat, calls Glaz Timmy and seems satisfied. 

Fuze simply tells him 'Nice save', shoving his fork in some eggs, and is elbowed by Glaz, who goes ahead and asks if he is all right. Kapkan nods, simply tells him that he’s suffering from a migraine, and Fuze tells Kapkan that something else is obviously bothering him, staring the eldest of the four Russians in the eyes, earning himself another elbow. He smiles with a slight snort, and picks at a bowl of fruit with the fork. 

Tachanka gives him a playful sneer, and goes back to looking Kapkan over worryingly, though once the two sits down, a conversation begins, one that eventually dies down to it just being Glaz and Fuze, the latter showing the other something of interest on his phone. 

Tachanka looks at Kapkan during this time, sees the man isn't hungry and is just pushing his food around. He moves closer, whispers to Kapkan that food is meant for eating not playing. Kapkan tries to glare at him, but soon finds himself smiling and looks away, returning to his plate. Tachanka chuckles.

"What's wrong?" He asks, simply, and Kapkan shrugs.

"I'm not hungry." He whispers and pushes some food from one spot of his plate to another. "My head…"

Tachanka smiles, “A pill would help.”

And with a smile, Kapkan holds out his palm, and Tachanka takes out a bottle of pills he always carries around with him, and he caresses Kapkan’s hand, giving him the recommended amount; two.   
With the two of them ignoring the soft glances of Glaz, Tachanka watches as Kapkan takes them dry, then chuckles in embarrassment as he looks down, realizing the other man is staring, head in hand. Fuze has yet to notice anything, and Glaz doesn’t let him in on it. Instead he lets him continue with the topic he’s on. Tachanka thinks that he is glad that Glaz has a kind soul, one that is kind enough to not draw more attention to them. He thinks that he is even happier when he runs the back of his index finger, pointing towards the floor, across Kapkan’s cheek when he notices a piece of fuzz there. 

Kapkan looks over at his friend, confused, but the explanation is given, despite Kapkan thinking it’s a bit strange.

As if it’s his cue, Glaz takes Fuze back to their room, says that he wants to show Fuze a new painting. Fuze is already hooked, takes both his and Glaz’s tray and puts them away, leaving the poor younger man to sit in silence, not sure what to say. But Fuze is quick to return, as he pulls on the other’s sleeve, though there is no need, Glaz is already walking a head. 

Tachanka watches bored, his head on a fist, and turns to Kapkan, who is finally eating, but it’s slow and his bites are tiny. He looks him up and down, lets him take a few more bites, and jokingly asks if they should follow. 

Kapkan keeps in a laugh, shakes his head and he brings a cup of O-jay to his lips. 

“Let them be.” He says, “as Timur can be awkward enough as it is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all the time, made new.”   
> ― Ursula K. Le Guin, The Lathe of Heaven
> 
> “Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all the time, made new.”   
> ― Ursula K. Le Guin, The Lathe of Heaven


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Every sickness has an alien quality, a feeling of invasion and loss of control that is evident in the language we use about it.”  
> ― Siri Hustvedt, The Shaking Woman, or A History of My Nerves
> 
> “When you reach out to those in need, do not be surprised if the essential meaning of something occurs.”  
> ― Stephen Richards
> 
> “We each have the power to give. It’s the most gratifying feeling ever. By reaching out to help another human being you're sending ripples of positive change.”  
> ― Dana Arcuri, Harvest of Hope: Living Victoriously Through Adversity: A 50-Day Devotional

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I gave myself a scare. I wrote the whole story on Microsoft Docs. I'm not sure if you can check the length of each chapter, but I have all of the chapters sharing a Document, which is fine and all, but it said that it ended up being more than 1250 letters long, being 9359 characters long, that or i needed to get ride of 9359 character. 
> 
> But as I kept shortening it, I realized that I had posted it in Chapter Summary. (Mostly because I didn't have any problems with the last chapter, which is a bit longer than this one I think). So long story short I ended up combining the original draft and the shortened version. So if it seems choppy in any way, you know why.

His second sign should’ve been the nausea and the vomiting. 

Kapkan is a healthy man. He knows this, he keeps seeing Kapkan check himself whenever something seems the slightest bit wrong with his body. He can check himself, figure out the problem, and fix it. He knows what is normal, and what isn’t.  
So, when Tachanka wakes up one morning to the sound of Kapkan vomiting into a bucket, hunched over, begging Tachanka to take him to Doc is quite the scare. 

On the way there, they must take a few stops, as walking too much makes Kapkan feel dizzy and nauseous. During their small breaks Kapkan does his damnest to keep the sickness down, and Tachanka watches fear and confusion run back and forth between his eyes. He knows that this man can’t figure out what is wrong, a first time in years. Years of hunting has made this man self–sufficient, self-reliant. Though not completely uncommon for him to ask for Doc, this time it is a surprise. But this is a different type of asking. It’s a fearful type of asking. For the years that Tachanka has known the younger man he has begged him to become a little more dependent on others, so things like this doesn’t happen, but Kapkan doesn’t listen. And a part of Tachanka wants to tell him ‘I told you so,’ but he becomes so filled with regret that he turns his face away from his friend, studying how much more they will have to go. He feels Kapkan’s glare.  
It is dangerous, telling Tachanka that if he says a word, he’s dead.  
____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
When they reach Doc’s office they find that it’s closed. So Tachanka sets Kapkan down on the floor, tells him to control his breathing if he feels nauseous, and if it’s really bad, then he should keep his mouth closed, and run to the nearest bathroom, regardless of occupants. 

Tachanka heads to the Rec Room, hopeful, but instead finds an energetic Twitch, who is working hard on a drone broken from a previous mission. 

He gets her attention and she goes to say hi, but so much of her focus and energy is put so much on the small machine that she even messes that up. He walks over to the island, sits down on the other side of it and watches. He asks where Gustave may be. This makes her stop. She looks at him for a second, eye squinted in confusion, as if asking for Doc was a new concept.  
“Why do you need him?” She asks and Tachanka gulps, thinking he’s wasting time.  
“Maxim needs him.” She nods, mouth making an O and goes back to her work. She tells him he’s still asleep, but she’ll be more than happy to help if he gave her a few more seconds. He doesn’t want to waste any more time, but figures it’s worth a shot, so he waits, fills a glass for Kapkan for when they walk by Doc’s office. 

Twitch keeps her word, finishes in a few seconds, grabbing her stuff and putting it in her bag. She asks Tachanka if he’s ready to go. he nods and they walk out the door, but she points to the glass, in question, and he tells her it’s for Kapkan; it’s an acceptable answer.

Walking they pass Kapkan, who seems as though he has been able to keep his composure for the most part. However, he looks worse than before; he has no colour other than green on his face, and he looks all so tired. But when Tachanka hands him the glass of water, he’s still able to look into Tachanka’s eyes and smile. He stays smiling until Tachanka turns his back to him, to follow Twitch.  
____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
The walk to the French Quarters isn’t long. Twitch has managed to keep it peaceful for the most part, keeping Tachanka’s mind calm, telling him that Kapkan must’ve gotten a stomach bug, before changing the subject. Reaching her room, Twitch tells him to stay put and enters the room, closing the door until Tachanka is only able to see just a sliver of what is in there. He hears Twitch wakes Doc up, telling him he has a visitor. Hearing shuffling and the jiggling of keys the door opens. Doc moves himself so the room is invisible behind him, blocking Tachanka’s view. 

“What is it?” He asks.  
“Maxim is sick. He wanted to see you. He~” Doc holds his hand up, and closes his eyes.  
“Where is he?” He says simply and sweetly.  
The two walks back to Doc’s office. This time, Tachanka feels pressure, but it’s from his own anxiety. Doc notices, tells him to stay calm.

Kapkan is asleep, and Tachanka swears each time he sees the other he is looking worse. Doc wakes him, helps him to stand, careful not to make him fall over. He hands him to Tachanka, who notices the cup is empty. He reaches for it and pulls on it, but the other’s grip on it is harsh and tight. Kapkan notices, glance to Tachanka’s face, and when he follows the man’s gaze, he lets the cup go.  
The door is unlocked and opened, and Tachanka helps Kapkan to get him on the bench. When he turns to leave he feels a hand pull on his arm. He stops, Kapkan shakes his head and pulls Tachanka close, resting his head on the other’s shoulder, fighting his breath. 

The appointment is quick. Doc couldn’t find a problem, much to Kapkan’s dismay. Tachanka sees that Kapkan looks like he is in pain. When he asks about it, Kapkan shakes his head, says he’s fine. It’s a headache, he says.  
Doc, certain, agrees. He simply tells him to rest, not to do much, and if he happens to do a lot, to watch himself. He tells Kapkan to drink water, to eat throughout the day, mostly small snacks. 

Tachanka helps the man to their room. The walk reminds him of their walks through Hereford, Kapkan keeps his grip around his arms tight. Blue light shines through the windows they pass, but it’s barely visible. 

They reach their room. The light is on, and Glaz is by the mirror, focused on his right eye. His gaze finds Tachanka’s, who continues with what he is doing, puts Kapkan to bed.

“What happened?” The youngest asks ominously, watches as Tachanka messes up his own sheets, grabbing the heavy quilt, laying it over the sick man.

“Where is Fuze?” Glaz doesn’t answer, storms up with a pout and more determined than ever.  
“What happened?” He says sternly, face and eyes pink and puffy with worry, but Tachanka can’t take him seriously. His eyes squint.  
“Where is Fuze?” He says again, emphasis on each word and Glaz gulps, needing a drink.  
“He is washing out the small garbage bin we keep near the door. Why? What did you do?” Tachanka holds up his hand.  
“Nothing” He simply says, and stands to make his own bed. Glaz follows him, puts his hand on the ladder Tachanka is using and watches.

“But neither of you returned when me and Shoo went to bed.” Tachanka flinched at the nickname, believing that man didn’t deserve any cutie nickname close to the word ‘Shush’.

“I know, but nothing happened.” Tachanka finishes, looking at him.  
“But Sasha~”  
“No!” Tachanka snaps, and Glaz flinches as he watches him climb down. He grabs his cheeks gently into his hands. “Nothing happened.”  
He backs up, let’s go of Glaz’s face, tells him to go find Fuze. Taking note of Glaz’s hands, which twirling something, thumbs pressed to his heart, Tachanka walks over to Kapkan’s side and sits on the bed, hand on the resting man’s shoulder.  
“We might need the bin. I’ll stay with Maxim.” Glaz stays where he was, looks Tachanka over, who just tells him to go. He does as he was told.

It wasn’t long until he heard angry yelling and someone telling him to keep it down. Fuze storms in, and Glaz comes in just after, failing to stop the older one from throwing the bin across the room, but he makes the other miss his mark; it hits just underneath the window. Tachanka watches it land, knowing what was next to come.

Fuze begins his rant, going off on a tangent of pure rage and annoyance. Glaz tells him to calm down, but Fuze ignores him, tells him no and to sit down and continues. 

“You two go out! You tell us you'll be back at eleven! And you decided to not called us to tell us too where you’re are or if you're staying later!” Tachanka feels the bed behind him shift, looks at Kapkan looking back at him, nervously, before glancing back at Fuze, confused on why he is being wakened up this way.

“We were worried sick! Did you two not think at all last night! Did you even stop to think!”  
“Fuze,” Tachanka tries but is ignored. Glaz tries to soothe his friend, but Fuze, surprisingly cool, tells him that is it okay, before turning back to his victims.  
“Glaz called you six times. Six times! And you never answered. I called you nine times! Nine!”  
“Shuhrat, please.”  
“Do not Shuhrat me!” He screamed, face bright red. “Because we couldn’t get a hold of you, and you ~” Glaz shushes him, sacrificing his life to put a hand on his mouth, pulling him close so his head on his shoulders, face petted.

“I know you two are angry at what we did but please. Right now, Kapkan is sick with a bug and has a headache. And it would be most appreciated if you kept it down.” He watches as Fuze took a couple of breathes, glaring. He gently pushes himself off his friend and leaves, Glaz following. 

“Most appreciated my ass.” Fuze says, slamming the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “If you want to be happy, do not dwell in the past, do not worry about the future, focus on living fully in the present.”  
> ― Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart
> 
> “Don't waste all today worrying about the possible mistakes you may have made yesterday. You don't know what will happen tomorrow or how long we have here, so enjoy what you have today since you have it. May you be thankful for today and live it to the fullest as it truly is a gift”  
> ― Angie karan


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “When we don't know who to hate, we hate ourselves.”   
> ― Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters
> 
> “Those who are not angry at the things they should be angry at are thought to be fools, and so are those who are not angry in the right way, at the right time, or with the right persons.”   
> ― Aristotle
> 
> “His anger took many shapes: sometimes soft and familiar, like a round stone he had caressed for so long that is was perfectly smooth and polished; sometimes it was thin and sharp like a blade that could slice through anything; sometimes it had the form of a star, radiating his hatred in all directions, leaving him numb and empty inside.”   
> ― Laila Lalami, Secret Son
> 
> “The marks humans leave are too often scars.”   
> ― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars
> 
> “Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.”   
> ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
> 
> “It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace.”   
> ― Chuck Palahniuk, Diary

One day, Kapkan got hit in the head. It was an accident, really. But since then Tachanka swore his headaches only seemed to have gotten more random, more severe. Some days he vomits. He forgets what he wants to say another. 

Despite showing the symptoms of a ‘reasonable’ one, Doc felt like Kapkan didn’t have a concussion. He pondered if it was something else, but Rook eased him, told him it probably wasn’t severe; probably a mild concussion, nothing major, and he was just overthinking, something he did sometimes. 

It didn’t seem to last long. In fact, it seemed to have lasted as long as a ‘normal’ mild concussion. Kapkan didn’t mention any more problems to Tachanka, he said he felt fine, he put him at ease. 

The two continued with any ‘traditions’ they had been doing previously; talking to each other late at night, sometimes sneaking out, walking round town at lunch, dancing, fooling around. It was bliss. But Tachanka wondered if his recent health problem made him a little…angry. 

It was uncharacteristic of him. Petty things got on his nerves. Sometimes, he was moody. Just plain old moody. Other days, he’d snap at someone, but was able to calm himself down before it got out of hand, and would apologize. Sometimes, not all the time though, he’d call the other Spetnaz members names, he’d start small fights with them, though he’d have no memory of such things.

Sometimes on walks, he’d yell at Tachanka when he would pick on him or take his hand. He’d storm off, sometimes heading to headquarters, sometimes to the place they are walking too. 

This lasted for a week. It lasted until, one day, he got mad at a butter knife that had not been able to spread some butter, butter that had been in the refrigerator for a while, perfectly over a piece of bread, annoyance written on his face, he said nothing. Tachanka had been there, laughed it off, told Kapkan to calm down, but he made things so much worse.

He heard the knife being slammed. Confused he watched, along with the others, Kapkan storming out of the Rec Room. He quickly went into pursuit. Came into his room and watched Kapkan rip off the quilt of his bed to wrap around himself.

“What is wrong with you?” Tachanka asked, something that had been on everyone’s mind lately. But his friend said nothing. “Kapkan?”  
“Nothing!” He snapped. “Nothing is wrong except for the fact that I don’t want to look at you!”  
“Max~”  
“No! I don’t want you here!”  
“Max! Stop!” Tachanka said, walking up to him, holding his hands up. Kapkan didn’t notice nor care, instead he tried to rip the poor quilt off the bed, but it was stuck between the bed and the wall. So Kapkan tried again, risking to tearing or stretching. Tachanka had enough, stopping Kapkan and holding him down by his shoulder, staring him in his eyes.   
“Kapkan, what is wrong, bratan?” He gave him a moment. He saw the emotion change in his friend’s eyes, watched him begin to cry.

“I don’t know Sasha, I…” He trails off, puts his head in Tachanka’s shoulders and sobs. Tachanka could tell the he knew how much he had hurt the others, but it was a problem that he couldn't solve, as if someone who controlling him, causing him to hurt his friends. That moment, in honesty, had no other feeling than complete comfort and forgiveness. 

Tachanka felt eyes, looked behind him, and saw Fuze and Glaz watching them, worried. Something was happening, but what, they didn’t know.   
____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
Kapkan wanted to work out his anger problems, so he stayed away from his roommates, who were the ones that got on his nerves the most. He spent time mostly with other operators, ones like Blitz and Castle, who were easy to get along with. 

His personality took another change, gradually. He could relax more, and it gave Tachanka sometime to think, though he preferred to be with the other man. At times, the two would still be together, mostly in the Rec Room. 

Tachanka had fun during these small moments, picking on Kapkan when every he seemed confused with day to day matters, jokingly mocking him when he couldn’t seem to say what he meant. Often Kapkan would pick back at him, sometimes he’d mock back, other times he’d be confused as to why he was getting picked on. Other times, more rarely, he’d get angry and storm off, but he’d come back calm. 

Tachanka always thought that it was great whenever Kapkan pulled a ‘Sledge’, accidently calling Blitz Bandit and vise versa. For some reason alone, it got Blitz uncharacteristically annoyed, when anyone did it, purposely or not, and when Kapkan did it, trying to correct himself but failing, Blitz would storm out, leaving an amused Bandit behind.   
Sometimes he’d do it to his own team, who would just laugh it off and correct him. He remembered once, Kapkan wanted to sneak out of the headquarters at 12 in the morning with Tachanka, and they both headed out to that same café, the one with the drinking chocolate. 

He had completely forgotten what he wanted, why he was there, but Tachanka swore that when Kapkan looked at him, he didn’t care, was just glad he was able to spend some time with Tachanka, and leaned on him. So Tachanka found himself ordering for him, and when they sat down, Kapkan wanted to say thank you, but forgot his name. Tachanka had smiled, said it was Alfie, which Kapkan repeated. The realization hadn’t hit him until he took a sip, in which he yelled at Tachanka for, suddenly remembering his name and laughing, and they put each other at ease.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Are you still forgetting things?" "I don't know, I can't remember," I said.”   
> ― Stephen King, Duma Key
> 
> “A fleeting moment can become an eternity. From a past encounter everything may disappear in the dungeon of forgetfulness. A few furtive flashes or innocent twinkles can survive, though. Some immaterial details may remain marked in our memory, forever. A significant look, a salient colour or a unforeseen gesture may abide, indelibly engraved in our mind.”   
> ― Erik Pevernagie, Girl in blue


	5. 2. Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You look ridiculous if you dance  
> You look ridiculous if you don't dance  
> So you might as well  
> dance.”   
> ― Gertrude Stein, Three Lives
> 
> “Almost nobody dances sober, unless they happen to be insane.”   
> ― H.P. Lovecraft
> 
> “If a man doesn't know how to dance he doesn't know how to make love, there I said it!”   
> ― Craig Ferguson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I wanna post everyday," I said,  
> "I'll remember to do it everyday," I said,  
> "It'll be easier," I said,  
> "It'll be fun!" I said...
> 
> ...Anyways, I don't have college today, so that means I won't fall asleep when I get home. Which means, I can post on time!

This man, cannot dance to save his life. Probably secretly could, but he doesn't ever show it. 

Alexsandr has often found himself in a daze, watches as Maxim dances with Elias, Miles, or Marius, sometimes a combination, sometimes all of them, sometimes anyone really, and makes a fool of himself. It doesn't happen often, but enough to let every other operator know that he does it.

It happens in the small kitchen of the Rec Room. Music, happy sounding, would be blasting out of small speakers that Elias occasionally leaves on the island. The music is not discriminating of lyric choices, meaning and language. If it sounds happy it plays. And sometimes a humorous song with a saddening mood is played, often louder than the happy ones.

Then whoever is playing the music begins to cook food for the other operators, using ingredients that they themselves bought. Then the horrendous dancing comes in. Singing ensues as well. Usually it's Elias. Depending who goes into that area first joins in, usually it's Miles.  
Once in a great while Dominic would be the first to join, often to make a shy Marius join in, but sometimes even Dominic wants some fun of his own. This is, half of the time, is when Maxim joins in. 

The man often holds himself like a mother, and so cooking isn't too far up his alley. Dancing, however, should be, but it's not. Sometimes he even sings. He's good at it, but with the lyrics he sings, combining with the other's singing and his uncharacteristic childlike energy, you would think otherwise. Shuhrat often wonders how Maxim's dancing isn't illegal, however his words are not said in a joking manner, he's embarrassed.

Sometimes others join in. Often Maxim or Dominic dancing is enough to get the more serious operators to join in on the fun, maybe one or two, if they're lucky three or four. It gets stranger when Taina joins in, mostly to show them how to dance, but even that is purposely bad. Vicente ensures that it is a pleasant surprise.  
And when Timur joins in, Shuhrat leaves.  
____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
He could act. Sure, it's over the top, but if he really set his mind to it, and joined an acting school, he could probably get somewhere. But he uses it jokingly. He uses it when he dances.

Often, he'll share the talent in the kitchen or in his bedroom with his comrades. Sometimes he blushes with embarrassment, but he pushes himself through it.   
Sometimes Alexsandr would jokingly wonder whose great idea was it to have this child, sometimes this thought is said aloud, and he is given a surprise, open mouthed, wide eyed look from Maxim, coupled with a laugh and a smile.

Sometimes he would get sassed. And the words he would say would make others laugh. Alexsandr is one of those people. But he tries to hold it back, just so he could see Maxim smile better. 

He doesn't see that beautiful smile as much as he would like to see it. And that, itself, is a shame.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “You’ll learn, as you get older, that rules are made to be broken. Be bold enough to live life on your terms, and never, ever apologize for it. Go against the grain, refuse to conform, take the road less traveled instead of the well-beaten path. Laugh in the face of adversity, and leap before you look. Dance as though EVERYBODY is watching. March to the beat of your own drummer. And stubbornly refuse to fit in.”   
> ― Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.”   
> ― Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience
> 
> “With our sides pressed together and his arm around my shoulders, it was like having one foot in the past and one in the present. Being this close now felt totally different than before. If only the TV had been on, I imagined we’d be following in the footsteps of couples all over the world, cuddled up as we were.”   
> ― Jennifer L. Armentrout, The Problem with Forever

Kapkan has been having problems with his speech. It’s been three weeks since the stomach bug and he feels as if he’s been letting his body down. As if he hasn’t checked himself enough. Tachanka puts him at ease, thinking the concussion hasn’t passed yet, and the two head off to Doc’s office after eating in the cafeteria with Fuze and Glaz.   
He sees Rook first, Doc’s ‘little nurse’ as Montagne calls him, as Doc is stitching up a Recruit injured by his buddie during training. He checks out, but Rook makes him stay until Doc checks him. When he does, he says everything is fine and normal, no concussion. 

It’s odd, but the two returns to their room without a word, Kapkan’s arm locked around Tachanka. It’s quiet, and Tachanka doesn’t like Kapkan’s odd silence, but then the man says sadly ‘I think I’m just getting to old’ and Tachanka laughs. 

“You think you’re old! Look at me!” He says, and a surprised Kapkan does, laughs soon after, feeling better. 

____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
He’s not sure why they do this sometimes. 

He doesn’t exactly remember when he and Kapkan started cuddling, but it’s nice. All he remembers is that Kapkan decided to climb into Tachanka’s bed, tired, and laid down in it without visiting his own. No words were said, but eventually Tachanka told the other man to climb over him, and Kapkan did. With arms wrapped around Kapkan’s waist they laid in silence, body heat intertwined. He wanted to tell the younger man things, certain things, but he kept them to himself.

However, he never complains. Every time they do this he holds the other close and kisses his neck. Now it is late in the night, and the younger man is deep in sleep. He kisses his skin with a sigh and watches the room’s lights being turned off, the other two going into bed, saying their goodnights to him.  
No, he doesn’t complain, he doesn’t need too. 

____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
Tachanka wakes up to Kapkan laying on his back, face facing him, relaxed, soft with cheeks a beautiful rosy colour. He brushes a finger over one, puts his palm on it and lets his finger play with the man’s ear. When he is satisfied, or close, he kisses the man’s nose, feels his heart beat hard, let’s his lips land onto the man’s cheek, caressing it with his lips.   
He looks back at him, watches him and looks over the face one more time. He lets his forehead rest on top of the other’s and gets up, regret fills him. He doesn’t want to leave and right now he hates sleeping near the wall, but he’s glad it’s Kapkan’s bed and not his own. 

He gets ready for the day; showers and brushes his teeth, eats with Fuze. He lets his mind clear up. He feels as if he’s missed so much with Kapkan, all the places he wants to take him, what he wants to do with him, yet has never done any of that. To be honest, he wants Kapkan, wants him to be by his side. He doesn’t care in what way or how, if their partners, roommates or neighbours, etcetera. If he’s with him, he doesn’t care. And just that fact alone makes him feel warm. 

When he returns to his room Kapkan and Glaz are still asleep. He chuckles, gets their clothes together, knowing what they might like to wear. He gets Glaz’s out first. A comfortable pullover and jogging bottoms. He lays them by Glaz’s feet, along with his chechenka hat, and checks him over. He looks cold, and his cheeks are just as red as Kapkan’s, and though Tachanka has questions, mostly of what the two did during the night when no one else was awake, he doesn’t ask, he simply kisses his temple, feeling like the man’s older brother. A chuckle is heard behind him, and he turns around.   
“What are you doing?” Kapkan asks, and Tachanka smiles. 

“I’m getting yours and Timur’s clothes together, lazy.” And Kapkan smiles.  
“You don’t have to~”  
“No but I want too.” Tachanka admitted.

There is a silence that fills the room after that. It’s comfortable, and Tachanka blushes the more he feels Kapkan’s eyes on him. He gets out a pair of corduroy pants and a loose tunic, and embarrassment fills him when he realizes that it’s the shirt he believes fits Kapkan the best. He understands Kapkan knows this, and feels a bit silly for feeling like he can’t put it back, but he does his best to compose himself, and puts Kapkan’s clothes at his feet.

The other, laying on his back, smiles, tiredly at him, reaching out to the other for his hand to take. When taken, Kapkan pulls Tachanka to the bed, laying him down and cuddling up next to him. 

“Stay and sleep.” He mumbles, falling back asleep. Tachanka laughs, and gets back up.  
“I can’t” He says, “I have to go train the Recruits…” Kapkan doesn’t let go of his hand and visibly pouts.   
“Make Glaz do it!”  
“He is sleeping”  
“Then Fuze!” Tachanka laughs.   
“Why? You’re acting like a child.” He says and Kapkan laughs, but his grip is tighter. Tachanka sits in the middle of the bed as Kapkan scoots over, his hand in his lap/ He faces the man and smiles.

“Why don’t you want me to help the Recruits, exactly?” He asks, his head tilts to the side. He smiles as Kapkan smiles.   
“I want to spend the day with you.” He says simple and Tachanka sighs.  
“You know Fuze might want an answer.”  
“I know, just tell him to talk to me.”

____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
Surprisingly Fuze accepts, seemingly happy about the idea. He doesn’t ask questions, doesn’t give a fit. Instead, he wakes Glaz up and the two head off to train the Recruits together once the younger man is ready, leaving his bed unmade. So Tachanka stays with Kapkan, who goes in and out of sleep if left alone long enough, though everyone has tried to wake him up, with no avails. 

The eldest finally gets him up at eight. And so now, Kapkan sits up in bed, sipping a cup of water as the other makes Glaz’s bed. Tachanka knows he likes to watch him out of the corner of his eye, so he flexes his muscles under his t-shirt once and a while. It’s obvious, but it makes Kapkan smile and giggle. And when Tachanka looks at him, he blushes as he sips some more water.

Tachanka finishes the bed and sits on top of it, and he smiles at Kapkan, who smiles back and blushes, sipping his water. His face distorts in thought and he swallows.   
“You should help me out of bed.”  
“Help you out?”  
“Yeah.” Tachanka snorts, giving the other a questioning look.  
“What’s wrong with your legs?”   
“One fell asleep.” Kapkan says, and Tachanka snorts once more.   
“But you are heavy!” He whines and Kapkan laughs.

“Just help me up!” Tachanka pushes himself off Glaz’s bed, uncovering Kapkan and lifting him up, bridal style, with a swift and beautiful movement. He doesn’t look him in the eyes, feeling if he does, he’ll turn red. 

He puts the other down, who tries to take a few steps, but he loses balance, and Tachanka catches him by the hips, pulls him close and gently sets him on the ground.   
The two stares at Kapkan’s leg with wide eyes, Tachanka’s hands still on the other’s hips, bodies still close. 

“What now?” Tachanka whispers in the other’s ear, looks at him. Kapkan hums, shrugs, puts his hands in his lap, leaning back.   
“We could stay here, relax a bit.” He is earned a hefty laugh, a hug, and even feels the other lay his chin on his shoulder, heads touching.   
“You’ve rested all day.” He hummed and Kapkan laughs as the other falls asleep. 

____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
All day Kapkan has had trouble with balance. Occasionally, he loses feeling in his arms or legs, but he doesn’t trip over his feet too much. So, he doesn’t take it too much as a problem. Doc asks him if he’s okay, but since Kapkan has had no other problems all day, he says he is fine and is left alone.

The only problem he has had, really, is a small argument with Fuze, which sends him to bed early, with Tachanka looking on, sadly, feeling as if he can’t help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Sweet dreams, baby,” he whispered into my  
> hair, his arm giving me a squeeze. “See you on  
> the other side.”  
> “You too, Captain,” I whispered...'  
> Lauren and Tate, in Sweet Dreams”   
> ― Kristen Ashley


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”   
> ― H. Jackson Brown Jr., P.S. I Love You
> 
> “I dream that I run away from home taking the bot I love with me. I dream that I saw the ocean and it was endless and that I could not find the end of it. I dream that I fall asleep in an unquiet room with the boy that loves me and that I dream that I've run away from home taking the boy I love with me. I dream that I saw the ocean and it was endless and I could not find the end of it. I dream that I fall asleep in an unquiet room and that I dream about the life I'm already living.”   
> ― Nicola Yoon, Everything, Everything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there was a mistake that happened. Somehow this chapter was the same as the last, and I didn't notice it. It was a mistake, but it should be different now. Enjoy!

Tachanka wakes up in his own bed. When he turns around, to face the room, he sees Fuze is gone. Looking at the bottom of Fuze’s bunk, he sees Kapkan has left as well. 

He climbs down his ladder of his bed, and notice that Glaz’s bed is like the other’s; empty. He wonders why no one has woken him, and he notes that it is early in the day, as the light from the window is blue. So, he gets ready, takes a shower, thinks about his team for a bit. He knows that they are close, they’re a family, but still they have their cliques. Fuze and Glaz are best friends. They’ve always been close. The moment they met, though tense, it kicked off extremely well. Especially when Glaz offered Fuze to watch him paint, and Fuze smiled with acceptance. 

Those two know the insides and outs of each other. What makes one tick and the other calm, what one likes and the other hates. Though they don’t look similar they are often mistaken for brothers. And it’s not uncommon to see them do everything together, to see them spend so much time together. 

Tachanka knows that he and Kapkan are the same; they know everything about one another, their own ins and outs, their similarities and differences, their hobbies and what they like to do, what they hate to do.   
He knows everything that there is to know about Kapkan’s past, and Kapkan knows his. And like Fuze and Glaz, it’s not uncommon to see them together, whether its walking, talking, sleeping. Or just standing side by side, no distance between them. 

He wonders if their relationship will grow more. If it’s possible something more could become of them. He has ideas that pop into his head, each one feeling natural. He pictures Kapkan, pictures him smiling, and it makes him smile. 

He finishes his shower, dries, and dresses himself quickly, then heads off to find his friends. When he enters the cafeteria, he finds Fuze and Glaz alone at their table. They tell him Kapkan is in the Rec Room, last time they saw him, and Tachanka goes off to find him. It’s a quiet walk, and he wonders why he so up Kapkan’s ass all of a sudden, but by the time he reaches the Rec Room, he forgets all about the question, and opens the door. It’s starved of people, as no one is in there, and it’s quiet, save for the tv. He looks around slowly, looks to his left and sees something moving in the kitchen. Quietly he closes the door, sneaks into the kitchen, where Kapkan is cutting strawberries with his back turned to the Telly. 

Tachanka scares him by wrapping his arms around the man’s waist, his face in the crook of his neck, taking in deep breaths. Kapkan chuckles, calls his name, and continues with what he was doing. They stay like that, bodies close and Tachanka sways them together, earning a laugh from the other, and he himself smiles, before saying:  
“I want to live with you.” And Kapkan ‘Oo’s with surprise.   
“You want to live with me?”  
“Yes.” Tachanka says and places his lips on the other man’s skin, but it’s not a kiss. Kapkan smiles, looking at the ceiling.   
“And where would we go?”  
“Finland.”  
“Finland?”  
“Yes Finland.”   
“Why Finland?”  
“It’s nice there. And we can live close to home.”  
“You mean close to your home.”  
“No, our home. You live in Russia too, don’t you?” Kapkan stops to think for a while. He cuts some more strawberries while doing so, and Tachanka notices the small nuts and oats near the cutting board. 

“Sasha.”  
“Hmm?”  
“I don’t know an ounce of Finnish. You know that?”  
“I know. But I wanted to teach you.”  
“Teach me.”  
“Yes, teach you.” Tachanka says and kisses the warm skin. Kapkan blushes as Tachanka whispers to him, asking him to agree, but the kissing doesn’t stop. He bites his lip and turns his head slightly, Tachanka looks at him, but their bodies stay close together.   
“But learning a new language is so hard for me sometimes.” He says.  
“I know, but I would be teaching you, and you know that I’d make it as easy for you as I possibly can...” 

Kapkan turns back to what he was doing, Tachanka wants to look over his shoulder, curious as to what he is making, but he kisses Kapkan’s ear instead, it makes him flinch forward, asking what he thinks he is doing, but Tachanka sees in his eyes that he likes this. Both faces are a deep red, and Tachanka can’t help but to pull the man back; he does it one more time. Again, Kapkan flinches forward, rephrases the question as he stares into Tachanka’s eyes, but the man puts him at ease, telling him to calm down and brings him closer. Kapkan laughs energetically, tells him to stop jokingly but Tachanka says no and continues. And it gets to the point where Kapkan becomes distracted, knife and strawberries in his hands, he keeps his eyes closed and smiling as he lets the taller man roam his skin with his kisses. 

Soon Tachanka finds Kapkan putting down the items in his hands, cleaning them with a wet napkin that was laying so neatly nearby. He turns around and wraps his arms around Tachanka’s neck, both holding each other close.   
“What do you want?” Kapkan sighs. Tachanka brings him into a hug, puts his lips on Kapkan’s skin, breathing in the lightness of his cologne.   
“Do you think that I am too far up your ass?” He asks and Kapkan chuckles in confusion.  
“My…Ass?” He stammers, and Tachanka hums in agreement. Kapkan can’t help but to laugh.  
“No… If anyone is up anyone’s ass it’s me.” Tachanka chuckles as they turn to look at each other, keeping the grip and the closeness of the hug the same.   
“But no, seriously. I think you’re fine.” Kapkan reassures with a smile, and Tachanka kisses his cheek. They hug once more, Kapkan patting the other on the back, and they return to the food, Tachanka holding Kapkan close, watching. 

Kapkan asks him if he wants oatmeal, explaining that he was making some for Tachanka when he woke up. Tachanka smiled, says of course. The two stay quiet, laughing whenever Tachanka tickles the other. It’s nice and comforting to the two of them. The body heat keeps each other warm, and just watching Kapkan cooking is just… nice.

Sometimes they have to let go of each other, like when Kapkan has to boil the water or when he has to add the ingredients one at a time. By the time he is about to add the last ingredients, the cut strawberries, Tachanka pulls him back, and attacks his neck. It looks aggressive, but is, in fact, a very soft and delicate attack. It takes Kapkan by surprise, he almost spills the bowl, but he hums, lifts his head up as a sign of consent. Not forgetting about the bowl, he puts it back on the counter, relaxed. His first instinct is two put his hands on Tachanka’s arms and smile, but it’s not enough. So, he turns around once more, hands wrapping around the older man’s neck, pulling him close. 

The feeling is fascinating, really, for the both of them. And it only takes a second for Tachanka to push the other against the counter. He listens to Kapkan’s breathing, which moves against his ear. Though slow and relaxed, it’s deep and shaky, he finds it relaxing, and he would be lying if he said it didn’t make him feel warm on the inside. 

He hears Kapkan whisper his name, and he pulls away. The two look each other in the eyes, and Tachanka sees lust within Kapkan, something he didn’t meant to make happen. But the door to the room opens loudly, and in a panic the two let go of each other and surround the stove, embarrassed and laughing the adrenaline away, quietly, as Ash and Castle enter the room, not noticing the other two. Tachanka looks at Kapkan, who shyly looks at him, then back at the oatmeal, biting his tongue in excitement as he pours the strawberries. He has to be honest; despite his age, Kapkan makes him feel years younger. Sometimes he even feels like a teenager, a delinquent of society trying to act like he didn’t do anything wrong. It makes him smile, and he smiles even more when Kapkan smiles at him.  
____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
Tachanka leans back against the bed post. He watches Kapkan tie his boots and wonders if there is a way to do it in a fun, interesting manner. He asks, and Kapkan questions him, wonders why anyone would think of such a thing. 

Tachanka waits on him, watches as Kapkan makes sure it’s tied right and comfortably, tapping his toes on the ground when he goes to stand up, making sure it’s just right. And if it’s not, he takes another moment to retie it. Tachanka has asked him about it, once, before, and Kapkan explained the better it’s tied and fits, the more use the user gets out of it before his feet gets sore. He said it works for any item of clothing and any occasion, using Tachanka and his shoes as an example. Tachanka has asked where he had learned this ‘magic’ and Kapkan said his father taught him it, said years as a factory worker teaches you something. 

Tachanka watches as Kapkan, satisfied with his shoes, checks himself in the mirror, making sure his clothing is just as right and just as comfortable. When everything is set, he moves to the face paint and begins to apply it on, but Tachanka stops him.   
“May I?” He asks and takes over, applying it like how he has seen Kapkan and Glaz do it so many times before. The moment is sweet, and, despite Tachanka not even being close, Kapkan closes his eyes. Tachanka blushes, but he doesn’t feel awkward.

He’s careful to applies it the way Kapkan does it, full faced, and not how Glaz does it, half faced. He’s careful to start out with one colour, and then move to the next. He’s careful not to smudge. He lets Kapkan start a conversation, lets him carry it on. Occasionally he gives his opinion on the subject once and a while, earning some agreement or a laugh from the other man. 

Soon their done, and they walk off to their destination, the CTU training grounds, where they would be training with new operators, Mira and Jackal. Tachanka wonders why he and Kapkan were not told about these two, but they didn’t complain. Instead, when Kapkan pulls his mask over his face, Tachanka is quick to pull the poor man’s hood downwards, messing with his vision in a childish manner. He watches as Kapkan pushes his hand away, laughing.   
“Alex! Really! Come on!” He complains, fixing his hat as Tachanka grabs his helmet, and hurries out the door.

____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
The simulation is going swell. Both Mira and Jackal gets along well with their teams, follows orders and communicates well. 

Both teams become tied, and one more round is put into order, a stimulated hostage situation. Everyone agrees he’s not the best actor, but Jäger is better than nothing. Bandit can’t help but call him Jägerchen, as he looks like a small child, confused but happy to help. 

Occasionally Kapkan forgets Jäger’s name, accidentally calls him Bandit or Blitz, to which Bandit remarks that Blitz is going to be pissed when he learns of what has happened, but it’s funny nonetheless. 

The round starts, and Kapkan begins to get dizzy. The others are worried, but he puts them at ease. They keep him near Jäger. Half of the round goes by, and Kapkan’s dizziness soon turns into a migraine. It gets so bad, in fact, that he can’t do it anymore, asks somebody to teamkill him, afraid that he’ll have to continue no matter what. Mira does what he asks, out of mercy, with everyone else watching, and Kapkan makes his way out of the training area.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “I didn't feel physically sick. But mentally. My mind was twisting in so many ways. (...) We once saw a documentary on migraines. One of the men interviewed used to fall on his knees and bang his head against the floor, over and over during attacks. This diverted the pain from deep inside his brain, where he couldn't reach it, to a pain outside that he had control over.”   
> ― Jay Asher, Thirteen Reasons Why
> 
> “I had one of those headaches. It kept pounding and got into that crazy realm where the guillotine seems like a good idea.”   
> ― Patti Smith, Woolgathering


	8. 3. Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “A person who has been punished is not thereby simply less inclined to behave in a given way; at best, he learns how to avoid punishment.”   
> ― B.F. Skinner, Beyond Freedom and Dignity
> 
> “Young people don't always do what they're told, but if they can pull it off and do something wonderful, sometimes they escape punishment. ”   
> ― Rick Riordan
> 
> “Fear follows crime and is its punishment.”   
> ― Voltaire

He's a sassy fellow. Despite his moments of carelessness and happiness, he isn't all shoots and giggles. 

Maxim is a very serious man, or can be. He is a calm fellow, but he takes what he does seriously. Training with him can be fun, but if is taken too jokingly then there will be problems. 

He knows that their job is a serious one. One in which all of someone’s concentration and strength and trust is needed and given to one group of soldiers during a mission. But he understands that too much can be stress on the mind and body, and a bit of calmness or joy isn't a terrible thing. It's a comic relief to diffuse any tension that happens to rise.

Sometimes when people would get too carried away, and they would get “The Sass”, as everyone calls it. This was the punishment people would see the most. 

Sometimes the Sass was aimed at his actual teammates when they misbehaved, sometimes at Alexsandr or Shuhrat. 

Sometimes Timur would defuse the tension, would copy Maxim behind his back, careful not to get caught. Sometimes he would let himself get caught, letting the other two escapes as he laughed while he got “The Sass”, something he couldn't take seriously.

But sometimes it wasn't just that. 

One thing Maxim is good at is being realistic. He understands that if something is practiced or acted in enough is hard to change. 

So, he understands that drama among any operators or recruits must be dealt with, so it doesn’t become a problem in the future. So, any fights among his men or childish acts are met with force, emotional force. Force that is shown with sass. 

Being told how he deals with drama may make him seem like a bad leader, however, his tactics are quite effective. 

Sometimes Shuhrat joins in. Maxim let's him threaten them sometimes, yells at them, gives them a scare. He is Maxim's plan B for if threats are needed to be carried out.  
But he saves Alexsandr for the worst of the worst.

If any recruits see him sitting in the bleachers behind Maxim, then they know they fucked up. 

Stories and rumours have flooded around the Spetsnaz recruits. The story says that five recruits where punished for fighting, even after they had been punished in the past. 

During their punishment, Maxim had Alex on the bleachers, yet they had misbehaved. The rest of the story is unfinished, with some recruits filling in the details of the small horror story, some claiming they were there.

Alexsandr had always wondered if they should have told the recruits that is was just a faux story; one told after someone had overheard and misheard a conversation between Timur and a recruit. A conversation that had been played with like a word in the game Telephone. 

Maxim had told him not to worry: And he didn't. 

In fact, Alexsandr often found himself enjoying watching Maxim's punishments. The way he stood calm, never raising his voice as he told bad recruits what their next assignment was. 

In never boarded the line of abuse, never came close. And though they seemed like they were slowly sucking the life out of you, they really weren't that bad. 

Alexsandr had often wondered what the magic trick was, asking Max one day if he could see what it was like. It felt gruesome, even for someone his size. Then he watched the next punishment, from a far, and saw how simple it was. 

And Maxim knew people would realise that while watching, which was why recruits weren't allowed to watch.

The magic trick was overthinking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “I no longer fear the pain...I fear no release from this torture...knowing that I've hurt him and he can't forgive me...that he won't be able to make me his good girl again.”   
> ― Willow Madison, True Beginnings
> 
> “Most misunderstandings in the world could be avoided if people would simply take the time to ask, "What else could this mean?”   
> ― Shannon L. Alder


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It's not where you are from (basically it's not based upon tradition) that determines who you are. But, it's really based upon your personality on how people will view and treat you.”  
> ― Temitope Owosela
> 
> “Listen, whatever you see and love—  
> that’s where you are.”  
> ― Mary Oliver, Dog Songs
> 
> “There came to him an image of man’s whole life upon the earth. It seemed to him that all man’s life was like a tiny spurt of flame that blazed out briefly in an illimitable and terrifying darkness, and that all man’s grandeur, tragic dignity, his heroic glory, came from the brevity and smallness of this flame. He knew his life was little and would be extinguished, and that only darkness was immense and everlasting. And he knew that he would die with defiance on his lips, and that the shout of his denial would ring with the last pulsing of his heart into the maw of all-engulfing night.”  
> ― Thomas Wolfe, You Can't Go Home Again
> 
> “I used to think it was mere homesickness, then I started getting it at home.”  
> ― John Lennon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys! For those of you who don't know or didn't notice, Chapter 7 was wrong and is now fixed! It was pointed out to me that it was Chapter 6 just reposed. I'm not sure if I accidentally copied and pasted Chapter 6 or if my computer didn't copy it over or if it was just a website error maybe, but it is now fixed, and better than ever!  
> Go take a look!

They were lying in Tachanka’s bed, Tachanka on top, no shirt, straddling Kapkan as the younger man felt the muscles of his arms, running his finger tip over every area. This is where Kapkan revealed that he was still feeling some…issues with his body. The sickness, the headaches, body parts falling asleep. He still feels it. The headaches were the worse, he reveals, they come back stronger, more random each time. 

He reveals this in the comfort of privacy, but Tachanka says, stern, that he was going to take Kapkan to Doc in the morning. Kapkan begs with a no, but Tachanka says that he has made up his mind. Kapkan argues, saying he won’t go, and the issue is settled. 

Tachanka sees that Kapkan’s anger problem hasn’t been settled. He knows the difference between Sassy Max and Angry Max, and he feels that if he pushes the issue then he’ll anger him. He doesn’t need yelling and arguing in the middle of the night, not when they’re like this, not when they’re on top of the bunk bed, and not when the other two younger operators are sleeping. No, he doesn’t push it, even though he feels like he should. Instead, he lowers himself, kisses Kapkan’s cheek, near the corner of his mouth, and gently rubs their noses together. Kapkan smiled at this, wraps his arms around Tachanka’s neck, tells him his goodnight and watches as the older man lays next to him, back on the wall. He brings Kapkan’s back against his stomach, and they fall asleep, peacefully, under the sheets. 

____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
He wakes up, the room lit perfectly by the sun’s light. Tachanka kisses Kapkan’s neck, and the other hums acceptingly. They lay closer together, comfortable. The other two are gone, obviously, so Tachanka nibbles Kapkan’s ear. He smiles.  
“About Finland?” The other hums and Kapkan continues. “Where would we live? How far from Russia would we be?” Tachanka stops.  
“We could live in Alaska, if you don’t want to learn a new language~.”  
“No,” Kapkan intervenes. “You picked Finland; So, tell me about Finland. Where would we live? Where would we go?” The two laughs and Tachanka shuffles behind Kapkan, getting comfortable, talking in-between kisses.  
“Well, we could live in Vuoksen satama, sell fish…”  
“ But I don’t want to sell fish…” Kapkan states, and Tachanka thinks for a moment.  
“Imatra, we could become bakers…”  
“I do like to bake…” Kapkan turns to look at Tachanka, who smiles and hums for a moment, leaning back down to kiss his skin. 

“Did you like living in the artic circle?”  
“I~ well…yes, why~”  
“Then we could live in Nuorgam… It’s a small town… about 200 people, I think…You could hunt, maybe… Maybe teach me a few tricks…” He mumbles. It’s more seductive than what he wanted, and the gentle sinking of teeth on Kapkan’s neck doesn’t help, but it makes the other man laugh aloud, shifts himself back and forth. Well at least he laughed…

“I… I guess maybe.” He says, containing himself. Once done he gulps, looks back at his friend before out the window. “You sure know a lot about Finland…”  
“You know I’ve visited it a few times… but a couple of places doesn’t make me a Finland Genius!” He licks the place where his teeth touched Kapkan’s neck, as well as his ear’s conch, and whispers “If not Finland, then there might be a few places in Russia.”  
“Oh?” Kapkan asks and Tachanka nods.  
“Yeah. There’s a few I can pull out of my sleeve.”  
“Like? Enlighten me…”  
“Well…” He moves to Kapkan’s nap, and he feels the other man’s body tighten under the touch. “There’s Linhammar, Nikel, Rayakoski, Kavdor…” He kisses the back of Kapkan’s head.  
“Why Murmansk Oblast?” Kapkan questions and Tachanka shrugs, hugging him.  
“Why not.”  
“What about St. Petersburg? It’s beautiful there, as I heard…”  
“You never visited?”  
“No, but I’d think I would like to...”

Tachanka smiles, kisses Kapkan’s ear and whispers. “Just look at me.”  
“Why would I look at you?” Kapkan questions, looking at the older man, before his gaze returns to the window. Tachanka takes the opportunity to lean closer whispering;  
“Because it looks like me…” He hears an ‘Oh God’ from the man, and horror strikes his face as Kapkan laughs, realizing what he just mumbled. He settles down from his fit as Tachanka mumbles rude, but presses his face against Kapkan’s.  
“But really.” Kapkan starts, “Why not Saint Peter’s? It’s nice there, yes?”  
“Maybe” Tachanka mutters, another kiss. He hears Kapkan, laugh, repeats him, but he continues.  
“How does Svetogorsk or Vyborg sound?” Kapkan laughs once more.  
“I want to live in the country side.” He says and plays with Tachanka’s fingers. “With a big field, where there’s a lot of snow and I can see the sun setting. But I also want to live in town…”

“Would you prefer it if I built you a house?” Tachanka asks, he can’t help but seem curious. Kapkan thinks, shakes his head.  
“No it’s just a dream.”  
“Dreams can come true…” Tachanka whispers, attacks Kapkan once more with kisses. He feels the other relax into them, sighing. The window is closed, and Tachanka doesn’t check to see if it is raining. He doesn’t want to leave the bed, and he doesn’t want Kapkan too either. 

He nips at the other’s lobe, who tries to block it with his shoulder, squeaking. It’s odd to hear, and it’s not cute like Glaz’s, but it’s something. He moves down Kapkan’s neck, still nipping, until he finds a perfect spot, and bites down. 

He wonders if he’s bitten down too hard, as Kapkan screams in pain, suddenly, a hand flying to his neck. Tachanka goes to apologize, but the other flings the sheets from himself. When he thinks Kapkan is about to fall off the bed, he reaches out, but it is too late. His hand brushes Kapkan’s arm, and Tachanka watches as he climbs down the ladder. He calls out to Kapkan, thinking, maybe, he took things too far, made him uncomfortable, but he feels as if, this isn’t the case. 

Kapkan turns to him, spits out profanity and hurtful words. Tachanka tries to stop him, but the other doesn’t have it, and leaves the room.  
____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
It’s been, literally, days since Tachanka has seen his dear Kapkan. He doesn’t know what he’s done; whether he bit him too hard or made him too uncomfortable. But he’s made one hell of an effort at avoiding him. Tachanka knows that Kapkan still sleeps in the same room, in his bed. But his sleep schedule has changed so he sleeps after and gets up before him.

They don’t train anymore, doesn’t apply to the same simulation test as Tachanka anymore. He practices with new mates now.  
Walks aren’t a thing anymore, Tachanka takes them by himself, both at lunch, and late at night. It’s then, at night, he sees Kapkan, sleeping, but he doesn’t wake him, he gives him his space.

So, he feels it’s random and unthoughtful of Kapkan to approach him, so unemotionally, in the rec room. The darkened lighting didn’t help. The noise of the movie everyone was watching removed any silence Kapkan may have wanted. He tells Tachanka by the oven, as the other was boiling a pot of water for tea, and he doesn’t sound like he cares. No, he sounds like he doesn’t care, like someone was forcing him to do it, which is more than likely. He doesn’t even look in Tachanka’s eyes, instead watches the pot in the dark. Tachanka watches him closely, if Kapkan wasn’t going to look at him then at least some type of acknowledgement was being made. 

He apologizes, his voice having no emotion, and Tachanka can see tears stains on his cheek with the help of the tv’s light. He looks like he’s been in pain, and Tachanka guess it’s a headache. 

Kapkan stares at the pot for a while, and when nothing else is said he leaves, most likely to sleep.  
____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
It’s early. He sits by the computer, the rec room empty. He reads his book and ignores whoever comes in. When the chair is pulled back he sees it’s Kapkan, and he returns to his book. The two works in silence, but it’s clear Kapkan is in pain. He asks Tachanka if he happens to have any pain pills, and Tachanka looks up from his book, and points to the kitchen, telling him that there’s some in there and to take two with food or water. 

Kapkan does as he is told, taking the pills with some bread and butter. Tachanka watches him take some water back to the computer, sits down and continues with what he was doing, legs crossed. He keeps his eyes on him, eventually recommends sleep, but Kapkan disregards it. He ignores Tachanka’s eyes on him, something which the other wishes he wasn’t good at. 

To be honest, the two really haven’t spoken since the apology. Everything truly stopped; Tachanka never thought of Kapkan during this time, and he would assume it was the same the other way around. They just simply went their other ways, and he figured that was the reason he would see Glaz and Fuze giving Kapkan and Tachanka the evil eye, whispering to each other. Secrets don’t make friends, but neither does arguing, and to be honest, Tachanka felt they deserved the evil eye. The whole thing didn’t just include him and Kapkan, it included the entirety of Spetnaz, Operators and Recruits alike. He’d just never realize it.

Eventually Tachanka speaks up, feeling like he needs to know some answers, answers that he feels Kapkan owes him.  
“Do you hate me?” He asks, realizes too late that it’s quite blunt. Kapkan looks at him, flabbergasted.  
“No…Why?” He asks and returns to the computer, but Tachanka shrugs. He’s not good at this, he knows, but he doesn’t care. The two share a quiet moment, but Tachanka speaks up again.  
“So, we are friends, again?” Kapkan stares him in the eyes, though his head doesn’t move.  
“Yes, but... we’ve been friends.”  
“We haven’t acted like it…” Tachanka mumbles and Kapkan looks down, agreeing, silently. 

“Max, too be honest, we were close. Really close. And then it just ended…” He pauses to think. He doesn’t want to rant, but he continues. “I’m~ I’m just s~ Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy you’re talking to me again. But I feel like I need to apologise~”  
“Apologise?” Tachanka nods.  
“Apologise. For my actions~.” Kapkan has the look of confusion on his face.  
“But you did nothing.” He says and turns to Tachanka, legs still crossed. He leans forward, signs with his hands. “I snapped at you for no reason. Granted I don’t remember what I did or said, but I know I was mad. It was all because of this…this sickness that I have! Whatever it is. And don’t say I’m not sick!” He begins when Tachanka opens his mouth to argue. “Don’t tell me I’m not because something isn’t right. I’m not being normal and you know it. I aimed unnecessary anger at you. And that’s not right. You’re an innocent man,” He places his hand on Tachanka’s knee. “Who was only being himself.”  
“Maxim~”  
“No!” Kapkan snaps, but it’s more playful, there’s no hate in his words. “Don’t apologise for something I did. Even if you think it was because of you. You didn’t do anything wrong. And you know that if I even felt uncomfortable I wouldn’t hesitate to tell you. And you’d listen.” Tachanka looks Kapkan in his eyes, studies them, sees that Kapkan is sincere and there is no ill intent in his words, like there would ever be. He can’t help but smile when he realizes he is staring, and the two giggle.  
“Yeah, I guess.” He says. Kapkan mocks him, and Tachanka hits him with the book as he turns back to the computer to work.  
____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
When the two made up, Kapkan promised Tachanka that, if in a week, if his problems still let up, that he’d see Doc. He did it when they laid on Glaz’s bed, cuddled together, Kapkan laying in Tachanka’s arms. Originally, they began waiting for Glaz to return, as he wanted to draw them together there, but he’s been gone so long that the two could take a moment of privacy, and talk about secrets they have been hiding.

Kapkan had revealed that his problems have been getting worse. He says that they were quite subtle, his problems, but he’s been able to keep them at bay, so that people would stop asking if he was okay. He finishes, saying that recently he’s been having trouble speaking, at times, forgets what he’s going to say or notices that he doesn’t finish his points, and that’s enough for him to come out to the other. It just made Tachanka kiss the top of his head, and told him that it was okay.  
____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
A week passed, the problems were persistent, and like promised, Kapkan went to see Doc. He forced Tachanka to come along with him, not part of the deal, and though Tachanka complained, he found himself a sucker for puppy dog eyes. 

There Kapkan linked most of his problem to his headaches and the migraines. So, Doc listens, schedules an appointment with him next week. A week goes by and they find that Doc has all of Kapkan’s medical records, asks when his symptoms started. Kapkan says when he had the stomach bug.

Doc asks Kapkan if he’s busy, wanting to do an exam. A neurologic exam it’s called, and all he would have to do is get Rook. Kapkan agrees, and Doc excuses himself, quickly, comes back with Rook on his side, and tells him to write things down. 

By what he sees, Tachanka thinks he’s testing Kapkan’s reflexes, coordination, balance, alertness, and what not, but he’s not sure, as Doc is speaking in French. Rook talks back, a couple times he tells Doc to slow down in English, and a few times they make small talk in French, when Doc seems nervous and shaky. 

After the exam, they are scheduled for another appointment, where Doc tells him that he’s sending them to neurologist, one that works for Rainbow, though he's in London now. He schedules them as soon as he can, says he can get them in on the Ninth, but he calls them in early, says that his friend has decided to come back to Hereford after receiving the news, so they’ll see him, in Doc’s office, within three days in the early hours of the morning.

Kapkan goes alone this time. He leaves Tachanka pacing back and forward in their room. He ignores Fuze and Glaz, wonders what is happening and thinks for the worst. Fuze gets him to stop pacing, but Tachanka still thinks, ignoring them once more. That is until Glaz falls off Tachanka’s bed. The sound of his body slamming onto the wood floor is more than enough to get Tachanka’s attention; in fact, it leaves him more confused than anything, and he stares at the youngest man in the room, wondering what Glaz was doing. All he knows is that, despite it being a complete accident, it worked, got the eldest man’s attention, and he celebrates to Fuze in pain. 

Tachanka helps him up, checks for anything broken as Fuze gently chuckles at him, says he’s something else, and gets off his own bed to check Glaz’s face for injuries. Kapkan comes back when they’re still checking him, confusion written on his face. Glaz is more than happy to explain when Kapkan asks what happened. But his explanation is small and blunt, and is the same thing he’s basically told Tachanka, so he’s still lost. 

So Tachanka leaves them, asks Fuze to finish and walks over to Kapkan, takes him out of the room to asks what happened. Kapkan explains that he saw the doctor, a Danish fellow, Dr. Møller, who simply did a more thorough neurologic exam, that he scheduled him for a MRI next week.

Tachanka wonders if he looked like he was beginning to panic, because Kapkan, childishly, runs his whole hand down Tachanka’s face, shushing him, gently pushing a letter onto his nose as he tells him it’s okay, and then enters the room, leaving Tachanka smiling, note in hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Anger is a rough water; if you can canalize it into a watermill, you can benefit from it. Anything bad can be transformed into good.”  
> ― Mehmet Murat ildan
> 
> “We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.
> 
> Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.
> 
> Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.”  
> ― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.”   
> ― Shel Silverstein
> 
> “When we refuse to do what we are supposed to do at the right time, the consequence is that of pain and tragedy.”   
> ― Sunday Adelaja
> 
> “Maybe, it is not the thorn on the rose that we should see, but the beauty of the gesture.”   
> ― Shannon L. Alder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So now that we are nearing the climax (which is the end of the next chapter...) I realized my mistake. I forgot to mention that this story is about figuring out what is wrong with Kapkan (but then again I think that you guys are smarter than me.), but I think by now its pretty obvious that it's the whole plot. Sorry~ I really am trying D:
> 
> P.s. This is actually the shortest chapter.... :P

Glaz and Smoke takes Kapkan to his MRI. The plan was to drop Kapkan off, then go to a small restaurant in the middle of the city. Glaz wanted Fuze to come, fearing Kapkan walking back alone, however the man was busy with helping Rook train the Recruits. Though Smoke tried to tell Glaz that Kapkan was old enough, Tachanka is then dragged along, anyways. 

He takes notes on the way there, remembering streets, signs, and buildings so he can walk back home without getting lost. He notices that Kapkan doesn’t do the same, as he fell asleep the moment they started driving. 

The hospital visit goes swell. They’re in and out before they know it with extra time to spare, so Tachanka takes Kapkan out to eat. It’s somewhere nice, somewhere quiet, somewhere where they can just go, and sit down, and just enjoy each other’s company. And it is nice. But Kapkan keeps playing footsies with Tachanka under the table, and Tachanka feels like he just doesn’t have the heart to engage, so he just smiles and looks out the window, disregarding Kapkan’s muddled and concerned glances.

He lets Kapkan lead him down the streets, arms around his. He lets Kapkan due whatever, only taking control when they must cross the street or go around the corner and what not. The other laughs and picks on him, but all he does is smile. At one-point Kapkan stops him, body hugging him, face buried into his chest. He laughs out Kapkan’s name, hugs back and tries to continue, but the other keeps him still. Even walking becomes impossibly hard, and he gives in and sighs.   
“Kapkan~” He starts and finished.   
“What did I do?”  
“Excuse me?” Kapkan looks him in the eye and stands up straight, hands still holding his arms in place; they’re arm’s length away. He looks laughably serious.  
“You’re mad at me. What did I do wrong?”  
“Nothing.” Tachanka says with a shake of his head. “Now come on, let’s go, we can turn here…” He said, trying to push past Kapkan, but he just moves in the way.   
“Kapkan.”  
“No! Tell me!”  
“I’m not mad! I’m just” Tachanka stops and sighs, looking away. “I’m just… worried… for you! I just feel like…something is wrong.”  
“And something is wrong, that’s why we went to go get me an MRI~”  
“No! I mean…I feel like it’s something bad.” Tachanka plays with his fingers. “Like it’s something worse then what we think it is…”  
“But what if it’s not?” Kapkan butts in. “What if it’s just I’m sick of you?” Tachanka sighs and shrugs, looking away he says I don’t know. When he looks back, Kapkan has his eyes closed, sorry written on his face.   
“I’m sorry,” His face tightens. “I’m so sorry…” Tachanka gives him a minute, accepts the apology, and lets Kapkan continue. “But I’ll be fine. I have you…”  
Tachanka smiles. “And you me…” The two stares at each other in acceptance, before Tachanka tickles him, of course.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present.”   
> ― Bil Keane
> 
> “Every struggle you overcome, will build the strength of your spirit.”   
> ― Lailah Gifty Akita


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “The lotus is the most beautiful flower, whose petals open one by one. But it will only grow in the mud. In order to grow and gain wisdom, first you must have the mud --- the obstacles of life and its suffering. ... The mud speaks of the common ground that humans share, no matter what our stations in life. ... Whether we have it all or we have nothing, we are all faced with the same obstacles: sadness, loss, illness, dying and death. If we are to strive as human beings to gain more wisdom, more kindness and more compassion, we must have the intention to grow as a lotus and open each petal one by one. ”  
> ― Goldie Hawn
> 
> “When people give you disappointment, don't worry; they are only showing you this- appointment. Just look and see.”  
> ― Ernest Agyemang Yeboah
> 
> “Imagine a day without appointments and/or disappointments.”  
> ― Charmaine J. Forde

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when I said that this story gets a bit cheesy, out of character, and/or unprofessional? Yeah, this is the chapter that starts it all...
> 
> But here's the big reveal!  
> Enjoy!

He can’t wait for his next appointment with Doc. The latter often pushes the date away. Rook and Montagne comes to Tachanka and explains that Doc can’t look Kapkan in the face, that he isn’t ready yet. It’s personal, and Rook says that he’d tell Tachanka what’s going on, both with Doc and Kapkan, but he believes that it’s better if Kapkan finds out on him. 

Rook says that he somewhat agrees with Doc, thinks a couple more days won’t hurt and might make it easier for everyone, though Montagne openly disagrees, believing that the metaphorical band aid should be ripped off quickly, so that no problems rise. Tachanka says that he thinks it’s odd that Doc would do this, seeing how him and Kapkan are close.  
Most people think of them like brothers, almost like Fuze and Glaz, but Tachanka never pushes the topic further, just drops it. 

On the other hand, Tachanka finds the whole situation entertaining. Kapkan is oddly energetic, and is abnormally childish as the day grows ever closer. Tachanka smiles every time Kapkan is near, something new happens every day with him. It’s odd, and Fuze seems a bit fearful of his friend’s new behaviour, but no one in the group can deny that it’s a delightful break from his horrible, hurtful words. 

Tachanka is able to get Kapkan to spend a lot of time with Glaz while he paints, where the latter can be expressive, not that he isn’t with Fuze, but the two tend to have more quiet moments while Glaz paints. 

During this time, he catches up with Fuze. The two practices at the firing range during the early mornings, before breakfast, letting the others sleep during this time, who would meet the formers in the cafeteria. 

During their free time Tachanka would take Fuze on a walk-through Hereford, not meaning to take him through all the places he and Kapkan had visited multiple times, but they’re the only places that he is familiar with. 

Fuze doesn’t bother Tachanka with any quietness; he asks Tachanka for details about where they go, what he and Kapkan would do, why it was so important. Tachanka would tell him, and every-time he was blunt, Fuze would tell him to stop sparing him the details, just let it all out. The first few times Tachanka seemed nervous, with Fuze trying to act ‘cool’ and all, but he realized that the man was listening, liked the history, and let it all out.  
He realized that Fuze was, not only listening, but was remembering, everything Tachanka had said. He brings up old details, asks if this is connected to that, or if they went from a to b to c, or if one became more expressive in certain places. Tachanka would question Fuze, ask him why he’s so interested, and Fuze would say that it reminds him of Glaz and him, says that he takes Glaz out into the city sometimes, to the more beautiful spots, it’s one of the only ways he can get Glaz to come out of his shell. Often Fuze asks Tachanka if he ever feels… distant, like there is tension between him and Kapkan, the type that makes you not want to face the other. Those times Tachanka thinks, but he has to tell Fuze that he hasn’t.

At night to two would hit the bar, both careful enough to not get tipsy despite the temptation. Sometimes they’d go with the more extroverted operators, other times they’d just take Glaz and Kapkan, and once and a while those two might get tipsy, and the Spetnaz would walk around the city, mostly to places either Tachanka took Kapkan or places where none of them had been before. 

During these times Fuze would look at Tachanka, and would promise him that he’d take him to where he takes Glaz, says that it’ll make his day.

____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
Tachanka wonders how long Doc needs. Though it hasn’t been long since the original date of the appointment, he checks only once, visits Doc’s office where him and the other two French operators are. Montagne lets him in, tells him that they’re not busy. Yet somehow Tachanka scares Doc, makes him jump the moment his eyes land on him. He acts strange, like Tachanka did something wrong, whilst Rook accepts the visitation. 

It’s awkward, and Montagne quietly encourages Tachanka to make a joke or something, so it shows that he means no harm. And he does, asks where Twitch is, wondering where the ‘Old Man Jokes’ are, but it doesn’t lighten the mood, makes it worse. Doc looks like he’s on the verge of tears; he just nods at Tachanka’s joke and turns his back to him, making it quiet again. 

Then Rook and Montagne begins a conversation with Tachanka, who’s focused on Doc. A couple of time they try to bring Doc into their chatter, but it doesn’t work. It eventually makes him tell Rook that he wants Tachanka out of the room. And when Rook tries to reason with him, he snaps and yells, throws something at Tachanka, tells him to get out. 

Montagne shields Tachanka from the attack, helps him out and apologizes for Doc’s actions. He begins to tell Tachanka what’s happening but Tachanka knows this man well, he’s worked with him and Thatcher for years before Rainbow, knows he’s going to tell him what’s wrong with Kapkan.  
He tells him to save him the details, says that he rather doesn’t want to know something that Kapkan should know first. Besides, Tachanka believes that it might be illegal, or at least against one of the codes in Rainbow. And when Montagne tries to change Tachanka’s mind he is shut down. And so, the two part ways, with Montagne informing Tachanka that he’ll get the appointment open in as soon as possible, that way all the drama can be resolved.  
____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
Tachanka and Kapkan cuddle on Glaz’s bed while the other lays on Kapkan’s bed, drawing the former, making up for the last time they did this, where Glaz never came back, and had completely forgotten about them. He makes sure to put in all the tiny details, how the clothes and sheets wrinkle to better fit the bodies, how the setting sun cast its shadows, how tired the other two are. He captures it all, and Tachanka only knows that because, A, Glaz is the best artist he knows, and B, because when Fuze comes along, a blanket wrapped around his frame, invading Glaz’s bubble as he forcibly sits behind him, he openly comments on it, getting a scolding from the other man. And so, everyone stays quiet as Glaz finishes, watching the time go by. 

And it’s not long before Glaz puts down his sketchbook, moving into Fuze’s embrace and letting the other older man wrap the blanket around them, bored from drawing. He asks if anyone wants a hot drink, but Fuze threatens him, tells him not to leave. It makes the older operators chuckle. And so, it’s silent again, and no one notices Glaz watching the other two with great interest until he speaks his mind;  
“Have you ever thought about being~ together?” The question itself is foreign, not to mention so unexpected that Tachanka can’t help but say one word. So Glaz asks again.  
“Have you ever thought about being together?” The other two take a minute to think, glancing at each other.  
“Well,” Kapkan says, “We’ve talked about moving in with each other.” He slows his words down as he finishes, but Glaz smiles and shakes his head.  
“No, like.” He shrugs, “Dating. Being closer or what not. Becoming a couple.”  
“You mean you want us to be a couple?”  
“No.” Glaz says quickly, panicked, but Fuze holds him tighter, resting his chin on his head. “I mean what I mean, and it’s not that. I mean…have you ever thought about it? About dating?”  
“Each other?” Kapkan asks, to which he receives a nod from Glaz. He glances at Tachanka, lip bit, and lets an unnoticeable blush slip past his cheeks before looking back at the other two. 

“No,” He says, thoughtfully, “I suppose we haven’t”  
“Well if you ever do.” Fuze starts, but he lets Glaz buts in.  
“We’ll support you, even if no one else does.”  
____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
Kapkan drags Tachanka to the appointment, he’s nervous. Montagne is able to make Doc stop moving the appointments around, but the problem is that it’s now, at breakfast, and he’s mentally not able make it, he’s there, yes, but not mentally, he just reorganizes some of his files that stay within the office 24-7. Rook and Montagne explain that Doc isn’t able to tell Kapkan himself, it’s too devastating for him, but he’s able to support Kapkan by still attending their meeting. After all, telling a loved one something deep can have its effects on the mind.

Tachanka asks what is going on, realizes that he doesn’t actually want to find out. Fear fills him up, like someone filling a glass of water, and when he looks at Kapkan, he sees the same feeling within him, rising slowly.  
“You’ll need a biopsy.” Montagne says, and it catches Kapkan’s attention.  
“For what?” He asks; Rook and Montagne take a moment, just for a breather, but it feels like forever to Tachanka.  
“You have a tumour,” Rook says, “In your brain…”

His words hit Tachanka like a bullet train, and when he sees Kapkan he’s looking at Rook with surprised eyes, and sighs gently. Doc seems to have come back to his senses, stops organizing. He begins to apologize to Kapkan, for making things worse and not doing his job. But everyone understands why the altruist did what he did. He did not mean to hurt anyone, but Montagne must’ve convinced him that there’s pain in not knowing. So Kapkan gets down from the bench and pulls him into a hug, forgiving the man despite everything that he has done. 

Tachanka turns to the other two, who simply watches. He wonders what they are thinking, but when he turns back to the two hugging men, Tachanka begins to wonder what he, himself, is thinking, and what is going to happen now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Worry is itself an illness, since worry is an accusation against Divine Wisdom, a criticism of Divine Mercy.”  
> ― Bediüzzaman Said Nursî
> 
> “Because there is no glory in illness. There is no meaning to it. There is no honor in dying of.”  
> ― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars
> 
> “The question is not how to get cured, but how to live.”  
> ― Joseph Conrad


	12. 4. Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts.”   
> ― Washington Irving
> 
> “I want to go back to the tell-me-again times when I slept in her bed and we were everything together. When I was everything to her. Everything she needed.”   
> ― Erica Lorraine Scheidt, Uses for Boys

The joke around Spetsnaz is that Maxim was a mother at heart, but then after becoming a hunter he became a Hunter Mother.

Reason being is that he is able to provide for others, letting others get dependent on him, long enough to get rid of anything negative bothering them.   
Crying is something he sees as manly. 

This job is harsh and few are but lucky enough to be mentally resilient. Certain things can change a man, and this job is one of them. 

So, he is a good shoulder to cry on, whether the object of what you are crying over is big or small.

Often Alexsandr can't help but wonder who is there for Maxim, but he feels silly each time the question pops up. Max is self-sufficient.

He doesn't need anyone, technically, but sometimes he lends a shoulder to Maxim, who apologizes for the unprofessional behaviour, despite Alex's ‘It's okay’.  
One time, Alexsandr remembers, he and Max had been part of a conversation. He can't remember what it was about, but it made Maxim excuse himself. He seemed fine then, but when he didn't return, Alexsandr had gone to search for him. Found him in their room, staring out the window, into the scenery, letting tears roll down his cheeks. He needed the privacy.

So Alexsandr closed the door and locked it, soon finding himself wrapping his arms around Maxim's waist, his face buried in the back of his head. It took a moment, but Maxim turned around in the embraced and cried into his shirt. 

He missed his family; Alexsandr figured so. His brothers, 12 and 20 years younger the Maxim, Alexsandr supposed, would join same the gruelling factory work his parents favoured for years. Something he ran away from, joining the interior ministry instead. 

Alexsandr often wondered if there had been any other choices for his friend. If he could've been a butcher or maybe a fisher or something. But he never asked.   
Instead, he just laid the cry man on his bed. He held him tightly, shushed him and petted him. He tucked him into bed when he fell asleep and stayed with him; he stayed until the other woke up, even when it was when the sun was setting, and Alexsandr was falling asleep. He stayed, but sometimes it wasn't so easy.

Sometimes he is too self-sufficient. Some of his problems, supposed to be solved with the help of others, are solved, no problem, by Maxim himself. Though it was a healthy coping mechanism, Alexsandr still worries.

He worries how it will affect Maxim, he worries, thinking that maybe, one-day, Max won't be self-sufficient any more, that he won't be able to provide for himself any longer. 

He worries every time he holds Maxim when he cries, every time he brushes away tears from red, warm cheeks. Every time he says that it's okay whenever Maxim apologizes. 

But every time he is taken back by a pair of arms holding his waist, thanking him for his time, he places a kiss on top of Maxim's head, wrapping his arms around the other shoulders, closing the embrace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “A man need not be ashamed of moist eyes when he gazes on the face of some loved one who is far away. It's human. It shows a kindly heart, an impressionable mind!  
> ("The Doomed Man")”   
> ― Dick Donovan, Terror by Gaslight: More Victorian Tales of Terror
> 
> “Sometimes crying or laughing are the only options left, and laughing feels better right now.”   
> ― Veronica Roth, Divergent
> 
> “When someone is crying, of course, the noble thing to do is to comfort them. But if someone is trying to hide their tears, it may also be noble to pretend you do not notice them.”   
> ― Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
> 
> “..."Are you okay?" he says, still looking at me, and I feel my smile slip, fade, and the silence that falls over us then is so total I can’t hear anything, not the rush-hiss of my heart pounding in my chest, not the sounds all around us; insects, wind, and the distant clatter of others’ lives in houses built close but not too close because when we look out our windows we all like to pretend that everything we see is ours. But Ryan is not mine.”   
> ― Elizabeth Scott, The Unwritten Rule


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I only went out for a walk and finally concluded to stay out till sundown, for going out, I found, was really going in.”  
> ― John Muir, John of the Mountains: The Unpublished Journals of John Muir

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So when I was making the story there ended up being 'three different versions'; Originally Glaz and Fuze were suppose to have a close-sibling sort of relationship. But then when I was typing this story (Because I ship them hard) I ended up writing them as if they secretly wanted to be a couple, which I edited it out because it wasn't the original image (but the sub text is still there heavily there (because my poor heart), which is why you can still read it). Because of the 'Second Version' (The one where they were 'a couple'), there's a small scene in here that has Fuze and Tachanka almost acting out their feelings for the other two (Tachanka and Kapkan, Fuze and Glaz) on each other...
> 
> Because of the change I made to go back to the original image of the story, I edited it so it's just Tachanka almost acting out on Fuze, and him being just like 'What?'...

Kapkan sits on his bed, knees pulled to his chest as he leans against the foot post. Tachanka is on the other side of the room, leaning against one of the frames to the bed, biting his knuckles. Both of them are thinking. They wanted to tell the other two, yes, but Tachanka wonders if it was better to be blunt or if they should ease into it. Then Kapkan spoke up;  
“I need a biopsy…” He says and Tachanka looks at him.  
“What?”  
“I. Need. A. Biopsy…” He says again, voice is strong and bold, he’s confident in what he says, and shows it by saying every word as if they’re their own sentence. Tachanka swallows down his confusion.  
“Max~” He starts. “I think it’s best if we let Timur and Shuhrat know~?”  
“I know. But I was thinking about the biopsy~” Tachanka pushes himself off the post of the bed.  
“But we shouldn’t be thinking about that! Max! Tim and Shu~”  
“I know Alexsandr! But I want to do the biopsy! I think that we could have it as its own procedure… Gustave talked about the two options and I~”  
“Maxim!” Tachanka screamed, horrified. Why was he not thinking about the others? He asks Kapkan this, who looks at him, hurt.  
“I am!” He says, “But I want to let them know if it’s cancerous or not!” Tachanka sighs, looks away. He hears Kapkan shuffle off the bed, watches him walk away and he calls after him.  
“Where are you going?” He asks, scared.  
“To talk to Doc!”  
“Maxim! Please I don’t want to tell them alone!”  
“Then don’t!”

____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
The two understand one thing, that their relationship has gotten… tight. The biopsy seemed to have gone well, but Kapkan is out of work for a couple of weeks in fear of ripping the newly made wound. So, for the moment they wait for the results, which should come back in about 10 days. Doc promised that he wouldn’t wait anymore, feels that he’s waisted precious time, but Kapkan has thanked him for not telling him right away. And to be honest, Tachanka believes that it was the best thing to do. The two only seems think about the tumour during small times, mostly whenever Kapkan shows symptoms, unable to hold them back. 

But that doesn’t mean Tachanka wonders what the future holds for Kapkan. Oh no, he wonders, all the time. It’s on his mind 24-7, literally. He tries to hide it, knows Kapkan is doing the same, and he thinks it works, Glaz and Fuze never ask anything. Tachanka finds it hard to sleep. He lays in bed wondering, but the moment the clock hits one he forces himself to sleep. Only one day he finds Fuze still awake in his bed.  
“Are you up?” He hears the younger man, and it takes all his might not to jump.  
“Shuhrat? Go to bed~!” The other buts in.  
“You and Maxi seem to be distant again… is anything going on?” Tachanka stares at the ceiling, says nothing, so Fuze tries again.  
“Alexsandr?”  
“Go to bed.” He says simply, moves on his side, and faces the wall.  
“Alex!”  
“Bed! Now, go~”  
“No! Now answer me!” He says and Tachanka takes a minute.  
“No. We’re fine… Just~ it’s complicated. Just! Just go to bed.” He begs and the other man is silent for a moment. He knows Fuze is facing him, tracing his silhouette that hides within the darkness of the room. He speaks up again.  
“Do you want to get out of here?” Tachanka faces him, confused.  
____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
One place Tachanka has never taken Fuze, he realizes, is the small café he always took Kapkan. So, they head there whilst the other two sleeps away their worries. The walk is quiet and Tachanka feels mostly awkward. He’s only walked here alone once and never again. The nostalgia comes back and he expects someone’s arms squeezing his. He doesn’t expect Kapkan’s just anyone’s. So, when he walks with Fuze, his wallet in his pocket, he shoves the impulse, the one to ask Fuze to wrap his arms around his, down his throat. 

When they arrive, Tachanka buys Fuze a drink, drinking chocolate. Fuze teases him when he gets his drink, asks him if they are on a date or something, and Tachanka gently punches him in the arm, takes his usual seat, realizes that Fuze has been sitting in Kapkan’s. He tells the other man this as he sips his drink.  
“Should I move?” He asks and Tachanka chuckles, shakes his head.  
“No, no. It’s fine.” He says and places his hand on Fuze’s. They spend a moment looking in each other’s eyes, looking for answerers, smiling, before they find them all and look away, awkward.  
“Maybe I remind you too much of Maxi~” Fuze mumbled and Tachanka smiles.  
“And me Glaz.” He agrees to which Fuze laughs at.  
“Why don’t you get yourself a drink. I brought my wallet, maybe I can pay…for…you~” He says but Tachanka holds up a finger.  
“No, it’s fine. I’ll be back.” He says, and stands to get himself a drink. When he comes back, Fuze is waiting patiently, hasn’t touch his drink. 

In fact, he lets Tachanka take a couple sips of his before he starts again, looking intimidated as he watches Tachanka from the corner of his eyes.  
“Alexsandr.” He says quietly, to which the older man hums. “What’s wrong with Maxim?” The question is personal, and Tachanka is allowed to take a sip of his drink before he starts.  
“You don’t have to look so sheepish.” Tachanka jokes, and when Fuze looks happier he continues. “I cannot tell you~”  
“Why!” Fuze asks, he’s not aggressive, in fact he acts more like Glaz when he wants to understand something more, when Glaz wants to be let in. It makes Tachanka wonder if the man is rubbing off on him. Tachanka sighs and gets comfortable. His hands lands on Fuze’s once more and he looks the other in the eyes, studying him carefully.  
“Fuze~” He stops himself and sighs. “Shuhrat… I just can’t tell you, and even if I did I still wouldn’t tell you~”  
“But why!” Fuze asks again and Tachanka sighs.  
“Because! Because I can’t. It’s not my problem technically. And as horrible as it sounds, it’s Maxim’s. I couldn’t tell you if I wanted to, not without his permission, which I don’t have. And besides, he doesn’t want to tell you guys, at least not yet.” Fuze is quiet for the moment, leans in, gets Tachanka’s attention with his hand on his chin.  
“I understand.” He says quietly. “But I just want to know what is wrong. Me and Timur both…”

Tachanka swallows, wishes his teammates didn’t care so much. He knows the more they don’t let them know, the more he’ll know they’ll feel like they aren’t to be trusted. So, he says:  
“It’s just…There is something wrong with Maxim. But he can’t tell you until we get the results back…”  
“Results?” Tachanka nods.  
“Look, he’s just… just worse than what we thought…I…”  
“Is it cancer?” Fuze asks and Tachanka feels like the world stopped right before him.  
“Nn…Why would you say that?” Fuze shrugs.  
“I don’t know. It’s just me and Glaz…we~”  
“Worry?” The question is sudden, but Fuze smiles in agreement. Tachanka’s hands get tighter on the other’s, but he feels a sudden amusement to kiss him. He understands it’s coming from something that he’s been keeping down, deep down. It’s something to do with Kapkan and he knows why he wants to do it, but he doesn’t understand the reasoning. He knowns it has to do with jealousy but~ he realizes that Glaz is rubbing off on him. When did he get so introspective?

A police car comes zooming down the street, alarming the two poor men. Tachanka is able to calm himself quickly, but he has to watch Fuze pant like he’s run a mile.  
“Maybe we should go?” Tachanka suggest, and Fuze looks at him, then back down, agreeing. Tachanka chuckles.  
“Maybe after we finish our drinks.” He suggests, again, and Fuze smiles, glaring. 

____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
The two walks back home. Tachanka can’t keep quiet anymore, he must ask.  
“What’s with you and Timur?”  
“What’s with you and Maxi?”  
“I asked you first!”  
“Well~ I asked you second!” Tachanka chuckles.  
“Here, I’ll tell you first if you tell me second.” Fuze smiles.  
“Fine.” He says, and it’s quiet again, and Fuze gets impatient. “Well!”  
“Well! I don’t have much to say!”  
“Oh~ But you do~!” Fuze said, and Tachanka sighed, not knowing where to start.  
“I don’t know, really. We’re just close I guess.” He notices Fuze watching him, and he turns away, smiling. “Forgive me, it’s odd. I just never…”  
“Talked about him before?” Tachanka nods.  
“Yeah. I never really thought about it~” He pauses and sighs, closing his eyes. “He’s amazing really.”  
“He brings out the best in you…”  
“He really does. He makes me feel…younger. I’m just comfortable with him. We’re basically a team, the perfect balance. And how I feel like I’ve known him for my whole life. It makes me feel like we know each other like the back of our hands.” Tachanka chuckles. “Actually, I think I know him better than I know myself. And sometimes I often feel like I know his thoughts, even if he hasn’t said anything. I love how he’s never stubborn and how he calls me out when I try to push the boundaries. It’s just…It’s nice…”

“Would you say you love him?”  
“Well I love all of you, just differently, at separate times~” Fuze laughs.  
“That’s not what I meant and you know it.” Tachanka snorts and it’s quiet again.  
“I don’t know what’s going on with me and Max…” He says finally and looks at Fuze. “I feel like there’s something there, but I’m sure it’s all in my head.”  
“I don’t think it is…” Fuze mocks, eyes on the ground and Tachanka looks at him, asks him why he thinks that, but Fuze shrugs. Once more it’s quiet, and Tachanka turns to the other man.  
“What about you?”  
“What about me?”  
“You promised.” He hears Fuze snort.  
“I’d thought you’d forget…”  
“In that short of a time span?” Fuze laughs.  
“I was just hoping…” He says and sighs. “That boy rubs off on me every single damn day and I can’t do anything about it…” He’s quiet in thought, looks back at Tachanka. “He makes me calm- he’s been making me calm… it’s not much, I know, but in recent years he’s made me calmer. I don’t have a bad of a temper like the one I use to have.” He pauses, rubs his nose, and sneezes before continuing.

“But recently he’s been distant. I don’t know if you’ve noticed it or not, being with Kapkan and stuff, but I have. And I think Timur’s noticed it as well, but I don’t think he cares. I don’t know why he’s being so distant, I don’t know what I did…we had a small disagreement but it’s not one that should make him be so distant! I just want him to talk to me about it.” Tachanka takes in the current information, not noticing the new found distant between the two boys that is apparently there. So, he clears his throat.  
“Have you ever talked about it with him?” Fuze is quiet.  
“No,” He says, “But maybe I should.”  
Tachanka laughs distinctly, patting Fuze’s shoulder, repeats him and slows down his pace when Fuze speeds his up.  
“Hey Shuhrat!”  
“Yeah?” Fuze stops, ahead of Tachanka, curious.  
“Maybe we can walk home… with you holding my arm. Maxim does it and its just weird…you know… walking back and forth from the café without someone doing that. At least to me, anyways.” Fuze smiles, heads back to Tachanka, and leads the way, his arms around his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I look back with a mix of emotions: sadness for the people who are gone, nostalgia for times that have passed, but immense gratitude for the wonderful opportunities that came my way.  
> ―Dick Van Patten
> 
> “Let's take a walk. You can show me some of your memories and I'll show you some of mine.”  
> ― Adam Berlin, The Number of Missing


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The search for a scapegoat is the easiest of all hunting expeditions."  
> ― Dwight D. Eisenhower, At Ease: Stories I Tell to Friends
> 
> "How wonderful to have someone to blame! How wonderful to live with one's nemesis! You may be miserable, but you feel forever in the right."  
> ― Erica Jong, How to Save Your Own Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes... I do know that there is a random 'Jason'....  
> Yes... No one at Rainbow (at the moment) is named Jason....  
> Yes... I did leave a random 'Jason' in the middle of a sad part....
> 
> Basically I was texting my friend (The one who I blame and forced me to post this story) and one of the Jason Bourne movies was on the Telly. I forget what happened but I made fun of it and said 'It's Jason Bourne' or something stupid like that and I wrote it in. I didn't notice until I was like on the next line down. 
> 
> I got so mad at myself, I texted it to my friend what happened and he told me to keep it, so I did. Then I spammed his phone because that movie was never ending and then they decided to play the other Jason Bourne movie until I went to bed. 
> 
> See? It's not all sad here, isn't it (It is, it's a trick. Cake isn't a lie here, happiness is. Yay)?!

He’s told Kapkan about his ‘date’ with Fuze, as he felt a little guilty. He told him everything, from start to finish, every little detail, every big detail: He leaves nothing out.

Glaz is in the room when he tells him, letting a sleeping Fuze lay his head in his lap: Tachanka doesn’t care about what Glaz thinks about it, only what Kapkan thinks. Besides, he can see in Glaz’s eyes that he doesn’t give a damn, one of his and Fuze’s rules is not to control who the other sees. They’re their own person. Tachanka and Kapkan don’t have a rule like that, he thinks. And he wonders if that’s why he feels so guilty about the night before.  
Kapkan does, however, gets mad. During the whole ‘argument’ Tachanka sees Glaz smile, a glitter in his eyes. And when Kapkan leaves the room Glaz is quick to tell him that he’s not mad, but is, in fact, very uncharacteristically jealous. 

____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
They get the results of the biopsy back. When they go to see Doc, he seems more confident. The tumour, he says, they found, is benign, but they are not sure as to what type it is. However, though growing faster than how it should, Kapkan is somewhat safe. Since the biopsy didn’t remove all of it, the current size will be uncertain when he gets it removed, but Doc believes that getting treatment is best, as the current pressure is dangerous.

Tachanka kisses Kapkan’s temple as the other man lets a few tears roll out, though Tachanka isn’t sure what type of tears they are, what emotions he is feeling and what he wants to do. One type of atmosphere is replaced with another as Doc speaks and they feel somewhat tighter... They don’t know what the feeling could be, and Tachanka knows it’s best not to focus on it. Instead he does what he thinks is best at the time, making Kapkan feel at least a little bit better. He whispers sweet nothings into the man’s ear, trying to ignore Doc’s sweet smile. 

Kapkan sniffles and wipes away his tears with his wrist, laughing, not sure what’s more awkward now, Tachanka’s whispering or his crying, so he makes a choice, pushes the other one away, looks at him somewhat sternly with a smile, and tells him he’s a weirdo.

Tachanka can’t help but smile, and when the other turns away he steps forward, hugs him and whispers in his neck. Kapkan laughs.

“Alex!” He screams, wiggles away so he can push him once more and stares at him. “Stop it! You weirdo!” Tachanka hears Doc chuckle as he walks away, and for some reason it gives him the courage to step forward, hugging Kapkan once more. Their eyes close, and his lips almost meet the other’s, but he chickens out, kisses his cheek, near the corner of Kapkan’s mouth. He feels Doc’s eyes on them as they stay like that for a couple of seconds, and when he pulls away he can’t bear to look at Doc as he begins to talk to Kapkan about surgery and treatment options. He finds that tight grip that he had been ignoring turns into, somewhat, like soft butter, and he wonders if this is the tension Fuze had asked him about when they would walk around the city. But he doesn’t give himself time to think about it. Instead he runs away.  
____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
Tachanka sits on Kapkan’s bed, biting his knuckle in thought. Kapkan finds him there, almost rushes past the door, but he walks back to it. He walks in, nervous, and his hand is out in front of him, as if he wants to touch Tachanka, but can’t. The latter stops biting his knuckles as Kapkan slowly enters the room.  
“Alex?” He asks, Tachanka shakes his head.  
“I should’ve left you alone!”  
“Alex!”  
“No Maxim! I hurt you! I~ I just should’ve left you alone! I’m sorry for wasting your time~”  
“Sasha no!” Kapkan starts, rushing over to him, and kneeling before Tachanka. He grabs his hands and goes to look into Tachanka’s eyes, but they close the minute he makes contact. He sighs and continues. “Sasha, Sasha no. Okay. No! You’re my best friend, you never wasted anything! You~ you… Jason…Sasha look at me!” He scolded but Tachanka couldn’t. It was too hard for him, and his eyes found something to focus on outside. He wanted Kapkan to go away, bother one of the other two instead. But Kapkan forced his attention to him with the help of his hand on Tachanka’s chin.  
“Sasha!” He said. “You never wasted my time! Why would you say that?” Tachanka takes in a breath, he feels that buttery tension, and the more they talk the more he can feel it harden slowly and if feels like torture. A couple tears spill out of his eyes and he wonders if Kapkan can feel it too.  
“I’m too old for you. I’ve made empty promises to you that are only dreams I’ve come up with and shared with you!” Kapkan goes to say something, to disagree but Tachanka decides that he won’t have it. “And you know it!” He says and watches Kapkan gulp, so he looks back out the window.  
“You’re better with someone like Glaz or Fuze. Hell, even Smoke is better for you. Just face it I’m not someone fitted out for you. You’d be better off dead then be with me…”  
“Sasha no I wouldn’t and don’t say those awful things about you’re self!” Kapkan scolds and Tachanka, surprised, looks at him.  
“But it’s true…”  
“And I don’t care!”  
“Kapkan~ Maxim. It’s best for you if you~”  
“No.”  
“Max!” It’s Tachanka’s time to scold, but Kapkan is too mad to listen. “Please listen to me!”  
“No! Because I don’t care!” He says honestly and Tachanka feels taken back as he watches Kapkan close his eyes and sigh. “I don’t care. I don’t care about what you or anyone has to say. I don’t care what’s best for me and what’s best for my future. I only care about what I want. And I want you. I want you to stay with me and to be with me! I want you to help me through this~ I don’t care if Glaz or Fuze or Smoke is better for me! I want you, you’re the only one for me and you’ve been the only one whose helped me through this! Please don’t leave me. I’m scared and I can’t lose you, Sasha I can’t!” He watches as Kapkan burst into tears. Tachanka sniffles, holds him close, even after the man calms down. His thumb pets Kapkan’s head.  
“Maxim I’m sorry… I’m so, so, so, so, sorry!”  
“For what?”  
“For hurting you…”  
“You’re not hurting me…” Kapkan says and raises his head, looking into Tachanka’s eyes. “And you won’t hurt me unless you don’t help me through this.” He smiles, and Tachanka smiles back, nodding.  
“I’ll help…” He sniffles “I’ll help you!”

“Good! Then I want to discuss treatment options with you…”

____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
It’s all goodness and laughter in the Spetnaz’s room whilst everyone enjoys cake and milk, but the time comes for Kapkan and Tachanka to reveal their secret. Kapkan clears his throat, and Tachanka, getting the hint, clears his and becomes serious. 

Glaz asks what’s going on from Tachanka’s bed, suffering from an after effect of a fit of giggles, laying on his stomach arm underneath him, as he eats a piece of cake.  
“We have something to tell you…Alexsandr!” Kapkan says, hoping Tachanka can step in.  
“You’re getting a cat!” Glaz shouts.  
“What!” Kapkan laughs at Glaz. “No!”  
“You two are moving to Finland!” Fuze joins in, happily, and Tachanka finds himself glaring at the man sitting on Glaz’s bed, who proceeds to shrug, “What? Sometimes we don’t sleep when you two have your midnight conversations…” Kapkan chuckles and clears his throat, eating his own piece of cake.  
“No, it’s… kind of serious actually. Actually, we shouldn’t be joking around like this, but uh!” Kapkan eats another piece. “It’s hard to talk about.”  
“Is this about your symptoms?” Glaz asks, head tilted with curiosity, and Kapkan nods.  
“Yes. Um. Actually. It’s…it’s…” He sighs, puts down his fork and looks at the other two, looking at them sternly. “Actually… you guys, there’s a tumour growing in my head.” He taps his temple. “But it’s benign.”

“We figured so…” The youngest jokes to himself, but there’s a look of horror on his face as he realizes what he’s done. Fuze curses him out and Kapkan looks on, disturbed.  
“How do you know? You couldn’t possibly~ Alex!” Kapkan shouts and Tachanka feels himself jump, mentally scolding himself, thinking that he should’ve told Fuze ‘No’ when they went to the café.  
“N~no, Kappa!” Glaz says with a sigh. He stutters again. “N~no, we~”  
“We guessed.” Fuze says and sips his milk. “Timur has been thinking it’s been that for a while. He was so worried one day he searched up your symptoms. I tried telling him it’s not that, but then he got me worried and we both thought that it was cancer, and then I tried to calm us down by saying it was a tumour, and…” He stops rambling, sees Kapkan looking worried and holds out his hand as to say stop. “Oh! Don’t worry, I asked Alex, but he said that he wouldn’t tell me even if he could.”

Tachanka feels Kapkan’s eyes on him, and he expects to be killed by Kapkan’s glare, but when he meets it its full of warmth and acceptance, and when he looks deep into Kapkan’s face he’s surprised to see Kapkan mouth a thank you. Tachanka couldn’t help but look away then, blushing, a stubborn smile on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place."  
> ― Henry Louis Mencke


	15. 5. Memories

Every day, the two would walk around Hereford during lunchtime. 

They would find a nice restaurant to get a sandwich to share, drinks for each of them, and then they would find a nice bench to sit on.

Eventually they found ‘The Bench’; the one that they would sit at every day, enjoying some peace and quiet as they ate.

And it was nice, until Sharon and Petr came along. To be honest, those two gave Alex the creeps. He'd feel better if they were human, but they weren't. They were crows. And they were always near. 

It all started when Maxim bought raw meat for a meal he was planning to make.   
Alex told him to buy it after their meal, but Max insisted, saying that he would forget later, and so the meat was bought, and so was their meal. And they sat down to eat in their usual spot.

A crow had appeared, looking increasingly hungry, as it inched closer and closer to Max, who did not notice. 

Alex watched it as Max finally noticed, talked to it and tried to shoo it off, but to no avail. It pecked at the raw meat, confused as to why it couldn't get through the bag. 

They watched it for a bit, Alex moving Max closer and closer to him with angry eyes. But Max was a bit more gullible. Finding two sharp rocks, he cut the crow a few pieces, only for another one to come along. He did the same for that one, though Alex tried to stop him. 

The rest of the meat, Maxim decided, was dirty, so he it away for the rest of the Murder. 

When he came back to sit next to Alexsandr, he notices the death glaze he was receiving. Shrugging his shoulders, he simply said ‘What’ before sitting down, not caring about Alex quietly judging him with caring eyes.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Learn from your mistakes but expect your enemies to learn from theirs.”   
> ― Sally Green, Half Lost
> 
> “Watch your back, little wolf, they say. Enemies arise from unexpected places.”   
> ― Marie Lu, The Midnight Star
> 
> “You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join us. And the world will live as one.”   
> ― John Lennon

Tachanka hates Sharon and Petr. He thinks he hates them with all his heart, actually.

He goes to the street bench every day during lunch. He’s been doing it since the biopsy. And every day, they’re there, waiting for Kapkan, who Tachanka never brings anymore. He never brings raw meat with him either, so the birds sit and steal some of his food. 

He thinks they hate him as well, which is why they never leave him alone. One Wednesday, Tachanka watches them come to him. He has no idea what drove him to do it, but for some reason he’s glad he did. 

He stood near the bench, hands deep in his trench coat, watching them. They can’t find his usual lunch, as he’s brought none. Instead he pulls out a pair of gloves and some raw meat, takes Kapkan’s sharp stones, puts on his gloves, and cuts the meat carefully, pushing the birds away whenever they get too excited. When he’s finish he hands the birds each their own piece, then watches them eat. Like a loving couple, they eat together, don’t take from one another, and share what they got. When they’re finished he hands them some more, then some more, and some more, pieces getting smaller and smaller. He leaves half for Sharon and Petr, taking the rest for their Murder, watching as the two crows he despises so much turn into a loving couple, one that he wishes he was in. 

God, he hates them.

____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
The days grow closer to Kapkan’s surgery. He finds that, despite everything he tries to do, the two grow closer. And the closer they grow the more the tightness and the tension grows. He hates it. It doesn’t feel right and it affects their relationship. He knows it’s noticeable. 

He stands right behind Kapkan as he makes oatmeal in the Rec Room, his hands on the man’s hips, body pressed into his. Tachanka’s bored, but he feels if he makes any more moves, the tension will grow. Kapkan asks him;  
“Are we still moving to Finland together.” And Tachanka smiles.  
“I think that dream is dead.” He teases with a whisper, kisses Kapkan’s neck, breathes in the man’s cologne. Kapkan tilts his head, an ‘Aw’ comes out; he somewhat turns to the older man.   
“But I figured out where I wanted to live.” Tachanka watches him as he turns back to the ingredients. He nods his head.

“And where would that be…?”  
“In the city…maybe… but on the outskirts. Near the country side. Above the arctic circle~”   
“I thought you knew what city you wanted to live?!” Kapkan whines.  
“Listen old man! Just accept the fact that I don’t know anything about Finland! Just what you tell me!” He stops what he is doing and turns towards Tachanka, stern. “Not everyone knows everything about Finland.” Tachanka lets out a hearty laugh as Kapkan returns to the food, satisfied. 

“Okay then.” He says and smiles. “So maybe Ivalo…” He kisses Kapkan’s neck, and doesn’t stop. He doesn’t wait a moment, and moves to his ear. Kapkan movements mock Tachanka, and he can tell he’s still trying to focus on the oatmeal, so Tachanka licks his conch, and he hears the knife drop to the cutting board. He smiles, Kapkan is his. 

He doesn’t stop when people come into the Rec Room, and Kapkan doesn’t let him stop either. They keep quiet, pretend they’re cooking, glad no one enters the kitchen area. A couple of times they’re close, where Tachanka gets too ruff or pushes against Kapkan, and the latter has to cover his mouth to keep anything from coming out. 

Tachanka knows that this is a horrible excuse for touching Kapkan, but it’s the best he’s got. He’s careful not to make any marks, careful not to make them get too loud, careful to make sure that they look like their cooking. Speaking of which;  
“What are you cooking?” Tachanka feels the younger man freeze, body trembling as his breathing trembles, not like it wasn’t before. He’s nervous, so Tachanka sets one more kiss on Kapkan’s neck.   
“Oatmeal.” He says, let’s go of Kapkan and turns to see Jackal, who is wrapped in a blanket and looks horribly exhausted, sitting on the couch. He seemed to have been watching T.V, but he’s not anymore. “Do you want some?”

Jackal shrugs and gets off the couch, sits on one of the stools. He crosses his arms on the island, sets his head down in them, seemingly dozing off. So Tachanka walks to the other end of the island, reaches across, nudging him.   
“Maxim doesn’t mind~”  
“I heard he makes a mean bowl…” Jackal jokes, looking up, deprived. Tachanka chuckles, looks back at Kapkan, who returns to chopping.

“That he does…”

____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
The three eat in piece, though Jackal dozes off when he is finished. Kapkan is kind enough to make him comfortable whilst Tachanka does the dishes. Glaz comes in, hoping to get a banana for Fuze, who is still asleep. 

He grabs one, and goes to leave but stops, turning around. He heads over to Tachanka, placing his hand on the other’s arm.  
“Sasha?”  
“Hmmm?”  
“About Maxi…” He trails off, purposely, and Tachanka stops to look at him, just before returning his attention to the dirty bowls.   
“What about him?”  
“Are you two~” He trails off again and bites his lip. Tachanka does not know what had overcome him, but he sighs angrily. Looking at Glaz, he spits;  
“No!” He goes back to doing the dishes. “We’re not together!”  
“I know, but~”  
“And we won’t be!”  
“I know.”  
“Then why ask, Timur?!”  
“I wasn’t.” He says and Tachanka looks at him, confused. 

“Well then I’m sorry I lashed out at you.” Glaz shrugs, apology accepted, and Tachanka turns back to the sink, rinsing off soap. “Then what where you going to ask?”  
“I just, wanted to know if you feel anything for Maxi.” He says and Tachanka can’t help but glare at him. He’s looking down, not noticing. “I just want to know…if you were friends…if you still are…”   
“Oh?”  
“I was wondering how you feel…about Maxim…”  
“Our relationship is clearly platonic.” He says, and again, he feels Glaz’s hand on his arm.  
“Sasha?” He pauses, and he realizes that he’s not being truthful.  
“I just~” He looks at Glaz again, sighs and rests himself against the sink. “I don’t know anymore.” He finds himself looking away in thought, but he continues. “I’ve always thought it’s platonic, like we were best friends. But he’s so…he just…I don’t know Kiddo…” He says and look at Glaz, who, he himself, looks down.

“Is it like me and Shoo or~” He whispers and Tachanka scowls in confusion.  
“What do you mean?” But Glaz shakes his head.  
“Never mind!” He says, “It’s not helping, but thank you anyways~”  
“Timur what’s going on?” Glaz sighs, looking in the sink and shrugs.   
“I just want you to be happy…” He whispers with closed eyes and Tachanka sighs.   
“Timmy, I am.”  
“No you’re not~” He says but Tachanka ignores him, continues to clean the dishes. “Sasha. Please.”  
“Timur I don’t know what you’re getting out.” Tachanka says with an annoyed laugh.  
“Do you hate him?!” Glaz blurts out, but it’s louder then he intended. Both look into the other half of the room, sees Jackal still asleep and Kapkan watching cartoons, his knees to his chest, toes off the edge of the couch. 

Tachanka looks back at Glaz, who bites his lip. Gently he pushes him to the corner of the kitchen, where they’d get more privacy, asks ‘What do you mean’. Glaz stares at the floor, gulps and takes a breath, freaking out.  
“You two have been close for the longest time. A~and now you two ar~re just so distant I can’t even fathom~!”  
“Timur!” Tachanka says, shaking him by the shoulders a bit. “Calm down. We’re still close to each other, in fact we just~” He stops to lick his lips, stares Glaz in the eyes. He feels himself getting cotton mouth. His face burns.   
“Never mind that~” He says, watches as Glaz’s face turns red, his eyes closing as he realizes… 

“But we’re still close. Why are you freaking out?”   
“Because!” Timur pauses, calms himself down and his face gets darker. He continues, “Because when I get lost I like to base my relationship with Shoo on you two.” He looks into Tachanka’s eyes. “And I’m scared that we’ll end up like you…just…distant! And it’s already starting to get that way…”

With that Tachanka sighs. He gets a couple of glasses and fills them with chilly water, taking Glaz outside the room; has him sit on the floor of the hallway. He sits next to him and hands him one of the cups.  
“You two will never end up that way.” He says and Glaz smiles, but it drops quickly. He’s quiet but, yet he’s still able to talk.   
“But you two~”  
“Not like ‘you two’! You’re not in love with Fuze, are you?” Tachanka asks and Glaz looks up. His breathing becomes deeper, and it’s noticeable. It’s clear he has cotton mouth, he understands and Tachanka breathes, smiles, looking down himself.   
“Me and Maxim…we’re not distant but…we’re not close…It’s strange…I don’t know what we are…” He sees Glaz smile.  
“Maybe it’s tension.”  
“Tension?”  
“Like sexual…tension?” Tachanka thinks for a moment, but he ends up smiling, not knowing what to say.   
“No. I don’t think that’s it…” He says but when he sees Glaz’s smile, he feels weight being lifted.   
“Sasha, if you ever need to talk about it. You can talk to me…or Kapkan…” He says and Tachanka nods.  
“I’ll do that.” He says, though he knows that he won’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “At the end of the day, it isn’t where I came from. Maybe home is somewhere I’m going and never have been before.”   
> ― Warsan Shire
> 
> “Home is people. Not a place. If you go back there after the people are gone, then all you can see is what is not there any more.”   
> ― Robin Hobb, Fool's Fate


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “In truth a family is what you make it. It is made strong, not by number of heads counted at the dinner table, but by the rituals you help family members create, by the memories you share, by the commitment of time, caring, and love you show to one another, and by the hopes for the future you have as individuals and as a unit.”   
> ― Marge Kennedy

One thing is for certain, Tachanka is scared. He wonders what will happen, what Kapkan’s chances are. One thing he’s been wondering is how he can pay for it all. A part of him forgets how self-sufficient Kapkan is. He’s prepared. 

There are random days where he remembers the time when Kapkan went through a ‘panic’, where he thought of the worse things that could happen to him. Tachanka told him not to worry, but Kapkan didn’t listen. He got some types of British insurance, though Tachanka doesn’t remember how he was able to receive it. 

He’ll know that it’ll help with the price, but Kapkan would still need to pay. He expects Kapkan to save some of his money, expects him to take any donations Tachanka offers him. What he doesn’t expect is Castle and Ash to come over, asking him if Kapkan is taking donations. He doesn’t expect anyone to know what is happening, thinking that the Spetnaz had kept all information to themselves. 

He wonders if maybe Glaz and Fuze started it, maybe expects someone over heard him and Kapkan talking; he doesn’t expect the GIGN members, to be talked in to it by a few of the Russian Recruits, to start a small charity for him, one that everyone is quick to join. 

It’s a pleasant surprise when he enters the Rec Room, and all the Operators are there, talking it over, looking to him when the two Americans go to ask him. He’s shocked really, doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t know if he wants to cry, or if it’s just a strong feeling to hug everyone in that room, but he can tell that he’s glowing, and though shocked, he says what he believes is to be true. That he’s not sure.

____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
He’s told to keep the charity a secret from Kapkan, and he learns that Fuze and Glaze already know about it. He’s kept secrets from Kapkan before, so he thinks it’s no problem, and anytime Kapkan worries over the cost, Tachanka calms him down, tells him that he’ll be fine, that he’s got it.

Sometimes he’s worried if Kapkan will find out. If someone accidentally slips or if he over hears someone. But he’s told not to worry. No, instead he’s told to never worry.

He wonders if it’ll ever happen.   
____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
He lies when he says that Kapkan isn’t on his mind. He knows he lied, he knows he is still lying, even as the seconds pass by, and he’s pretty sure the word ‘Liar’ is written big and boldly, with no sloppy messes or accidents, across his calmly confident face with big, pretty neon red letters.

He minds his own business most of the time. And he’s been quiet, he thinks, for a man as loud his himself, for the time being. So, he believes that he deserves the respect, somewhat, maybe. Maybe not.

It’s out now, the information. And it’s anyone’s plaything now, but he wishes it wasn’t. He feels embarrassed, and it takes the weight of the word to keep his blush down the more he thinks about it. Did they, him and Kapkan, mean to let it out. No. But it’s one of those things that can’t be kept a secret forever; someone is bound to find out somehow. But on to the question asked previously before. 

He knows what the Germans are getting at. He faces them on the seat in the Rec Room. He faces the door, wanting to bolt for it. The two younger ones are pressed together, in their own blankets that become one somehow. The eldest just sits normally, an arm over the back of his seat so he’s more comfortable while the younger of the two snuggle into his side. He’s babysitting, Tachanka thinks, a grow man babysitting adults who are more than able to care for themselves. But’s not on his terms, it’s on I.Q.’s, whose out for the moment and doesn’t trust Blitz or Jäger for some reason. He notices that Bandit isn’t in on the conversation. He’s listening, or at least half listening, a referee for when things get to personal. Tachanka hopes he’s on his side. For all he knows the man just wants to rest, and doesn’t care so much for their petty games. 

Blitz looks him in the eyes, a gentle smile on his face. It’s nothing to be ashamed of it says, and Tachanka knows that they mean no harm. They ease into the information, but Tachanka won’t let them have it, he just won’t. He only prays that they don’t ask Kapkan, for he’s not sure what that man cares to keep secret.   
Jäger is the one who occasionally gets off track, going in deeper at times, eager. Blitz puts him back on the right path with a simple nudge of the elbow, kept secret, but Tachanka sees it, and Bandit can feel it. Tachanka feels himself getting increasingly paranoid every time Blitz does it.

Did he mean for it to happen, for him to place his hands on the other that way, for him to touch the other like he always does behind closed doors? No. He didn’t and he doesn’t, he tells himself, and he keeps feeling the blush increase, realizing the horror of what they’re doing. They’re not easing into the question, they’re easing it out of him! 

He looks away, growing increasingly impatient for this conversation to end. To him, it’s horror. A type of bad movie or nightmare that won’t end. He’s promised himself it’ll never happen again, and he wishes that the promise is enough to make them stop. 

They ask him more questions. He realizes that it’s tug of war. He’s winning, that’s why Jäger is messing up! But he realizes to late, he thinks. It’s sudden, and Jäger sits up, leaning forward, his weight on his palms. 

“Did you fuck Max yet?” He asks and Bandit, now awake, yells at him, scolds him harshly while Blitz lets out a hearty laugh. He does too, oddly, and it’s a pleasant change in perspective, somewhat. He sees that they’re not being vicious, or at least that they’re trying not to be, but instead, they’re being noisy; sticking their noses where they shouldn’t be. 

Tachanka can’t help but to laugh. It’s hearty, and comes deep down from inside him, all the tension easing away. He hears Blitz laugh the same way, but for a different reason. He’s confused, wondering where his dear friend came up with that idea.  
It makes Tachanka realizes that everyone was on completely different pages, that Bandit was no referee, but was simply, at first, the only one who could sense it, enjoying the utter confusion that everyone was trapped under. It’s hard to contain himself afterwards, and he finds himself wiping away a few tears from his left eye. 

Everyone tries to answer the poor soul, but Blitz is laughing too hard at Jäger’s realization of the whole topic in general, Tachanka is literally crying, and every time Bandit, the only one not effected, tries to talk, he is overshadowed by the other two. 

Eventually Tachanka excuses himself to the kitchen, needing a tissue. Blitz asks for a water, one for himself, and one for his blushing friend, who he makes sure is alright, as he covers his face with his arms. He brings them both one, asks Bandit if he’d like one too, who agrees, and the room feels as it everything has been lifted, which makes another laughing fit come about, this one Bandit joins in with both a small smile and chuckle when he sees Blitz wrapping his arms around Jäger.

When Tachanka returns, the room is settled. He brings a drink for himself and Bandit, and sits back down as the latter takes a sip, eyebrows furrowed with a question.   
“How’s Kappa, by the way?” Ah, Kappa…a nickname for a nickname, Tachanka supposed. A nickname started by Castle years ago, when Rainbow was first re-actived, when Castle first took a liking towards the other man. Since then everyone has called Kapkan that once, usually out of a habit that never formed, and it’s always made Tachanka smile; how one man could have that much of a parental guidance over 20 men and counting, one type of guidance that was usually thought of as feminine, that he got his own type of honorific. It amazed Tachanka, not that it was because it had something to do with Kapkan, but because it showed just how close of a family everyone was, and it meant a lot to him. He smiled.  
“He’s fine. The appointment is tomorrow though.”   
“Everything is planned and set?” Blitz asks, one arm over the blushing Jäger, who’s so close to crying, the other holding his water. Tachanka nods, eyes looking to the left of him and at the floor, looking over their plans mentally, but part of him is focused on a movie case laying on the floor, it’s caught his attention yet he can’t read it, can’t focus on it: it’s a blur in his thoughts.   
“Yep.” He says, “At oh~” He looks at one of the many clocks in the Rec Room, the one above the main door, gives it a good stare to figure out an appropriate time to leave; though he doesn’t need too, but truth be told he has a reason too. “About eight I’d say.” He hears Blitz giggle, cocking his head to Tachanka’s left, as Jäger looks at him with disgust.   
“Did you just forget the time that Kapkan is supposed to leave at?” The latter ask. Nonchalantly, Tackanka takes a sip of water.  
“I wouldn’t put it that way. But sure.” Bandit and Blitz burst out laughing as Jäger gets up to leave, disgusted, and it’s at this moment that Tachanka feels older than usual, but he can’t help but smile anyways.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I had already found that it was not good to be alone, and so made companionship with what there was around me, sometimes with the universe and sometimes with my own insignificant self; but my books were always my friends, let fail all else.”   
> ― Joshua Slocum, Sailing Alone around the World
> 
> “...the feelings that pass between us are deeper than fleshly touches...”   
> ― John Geddes, A Familiar Rain

Tachanka eats supper alone. Kapkan ate already, and so he had decided to go to bed early and Fuze and Glaz when out with the SAS members. So, he sits alone, eating a bowl soup he made for himself whilst reading a book, made completely of short stories, on the couch, in the quiet, empty Rec Room. The only light on was the Kitchen light, which aluminates a nice warm orange glow, hitting only places that needed highlights, leaving other parts alone. However, he’s finished his bowl too soon, and is too absorbed in the content of the stories to entertain a thought of greeting anyone who dares to enter the room. The spices of the soup mix well with the light Cedarwood scent that the walls give off, and it’s relaxing. He feels at home, or at least in a small winter cottage off in the woods somewhere, and just that is enough to relax him. 

He jumps when he feels arms wrap around him, a hushed voice asking, ‘What are you reading?’, not being able to finish as it’s too busy laughing at him. He blushes hard with anger when he sees that it’s just Kapkan, who seems jolly, and he scolds the man, annoyed, returning to his book. The arms come back again, though, and he stiffens to the touch, not trusting it. Kapkan rests his cheek on Tachanka’s ear, humming and asking him once more what the name of the book was. 

Tachanka mumbled his answer, like a moody child answering to his mother. Kapkan perks up, asks him to repeat. Tachanka mumbles once more, and again Kapkan asks Tachanka to speak up, who, instead just huffs, moving just his eyes, not his head, in Kapkan’s direction. 

“The Garden Party and Other Stories” He says frustrated, pretends to return to his reading. Kapkan lets him go and stands up, huffing he asks what’s got Tachanka twisted in a knot and waits, leaning on his hands, which straddle Tachanka’s shoulders. But the joke is on him, Tachanka thinks, he’s never going to answer. He hears his name being called, not once, and not twice. He hears his nickname being used as well, and he hums to that, amused. He feels his head forced back, forced to look in Kapkan’s eyes as he hears his nickname once more. He hums louder and Kapkan sighs in defeat, kissing his forehead, and lets him go, walking around the couch. 

“I thought you’d be eating with Timur and…Sho? Shuhrat~ Fuze!”  
“They went out to eat,” Tachanka places his book on his lap, watches as Kapkan takes his bowl into the kitchen, only to walk back out. “With our British friends…”  
“You didn’t go with them?” Kapkan asks, playing with the tip of his ring finger as if he is nervous, though he isn’t; he’s sorting out Tachanka’s situation. The latter sighs, sits up and rolls his shoulders back, eyes closed.   
“I wasn’t invited.” He says leaning forward. “I guess it’s a matter of wrong place, wrong time.”   
He sighs, listens as his own words disappear with the last of his breath and watches Kapkan give off the wrong expression; his brows crease with what looks like worry.

“Oh~” He says simply and looks away, brows creasing some more. “Okay.”   
He turns and heads into the kitchen, beginning to wash the dishes that Tachanka has dirtied, and though it’s really not much to wash, the old man feels guilt banging on him, but he knows that the other doesn’t mind nor does he care about what he thinks, so he says nothing, just watches like it’s a torture show.   
“I’d just figure that they’d take you along…” He hears Kapkan call out and Tachanka feels his body lean back, it’s not his mental doing.   
“Yeah.” He says, facing forward, “Guess not.”

The words are sadder than how he’s actually feeling, and he feels Kapkan look at him with worry, but he returns to his work, finishing just to fetch them both some juice. He walks over to Tachanka, hands him his with a sadden smile.   
“Just try not to worry about it.” He says and Tachanka smiles back, searching Kapkan’s eyes for answers to questions that don’t exist yet in his head.   
“Don’t worry.” He says, “I won’t.”

He makes room for Kapkan on the couch, but the latter doesn’t notice; he walks to the computer and turns in on, putting his weight on one leg while the other bends back behind him, lazily crossing it. He rests a hand on the back of the chair, the other returns to his hip, submissively. Tachanka blinks.   
“What are you doing?” He asks and Kapkan turns his attention to the other male, processing his words.   
“Turning on the computer.” He says bluntly and turns back to the old machine. Tachanka sighs.   
“Shouldn’t you be in bed?”  
“Shouldn’t you?” He teases and looks Tachanka in the eyes, a smile in his gaze. “I can’t sleep. I think I might be nervous, but either way I want to study a bit. So~” He turns back to the computer once more, doesn’t continue. Tachanka notices the movie on the ground that was there earlier, the one that was just a blur in his thoughts when he was stuck with the Germans. '

He forces himself to get up, to pick it up and look it over. Kapkan watches him, curiously. “What are you doing?” He asks and Tachanka looks at him, back at the cover, then back at the man at the computer. He waves the CD case in the air, unsure of what to say.   
He asks Kapkan if he wants to watch a movie, and he’s earned a small laugh. Kapkan looks away, watches as the computer finally stops loading.  
“When I’m done, maybe.” He says, head cocked to the side. He sits down, one knee pulled to his chest, logs in, and complains as Tachanka walks up behind him, wrapping his arms around him, munching on the lobe of his ear as he shows the man the cover. Every time a minute goes by he says one thing in Kapkan’s ear.  
“Movie?” 

It’s not meant to be taken as something of impatience or annoyance, and he can tell Kapkan knows, based on the way his hand covers his quivering mouth every time he says the word. His eyes are focused on his work, but Tachanka is more than determined to get him to answer. His plea becomes more dramatic and audibly annoying, at one point he leans back, taking the other man back with him, but all he is given is his name being screamed as his arm got slapped.   
“Knock it off!” Kapkan warns and Tachanka holds back a laugh, wrapping his arms around the other man tightly.   
“I love it when you scream my name!” He whispers in his ear.  
“I bet you do.” Kapkan retorts, stern with the older man. Tachanka whimpers to him, ‘I love you’, but Kapkan barely hums, and Tachanka studies the man.   
“Please?” He asks and Kapkan sighs, rolling his eyes; he sticks a hand out, demandingly.  
“Give me it.”

Obediently Tachanka puts the case in his hand. He sees something click in Kapkan when he does this, watches as Kapkan shakes it a bit, then opens it. It’s empty.  
“There. See? Empty.” He says, and lets the unfortunate, pitiful thing hang in-between his forefinger and thumb like it’s below him. He waits for Tachanka to take it, and when he does he continues.   
“No CD, no movie. No answer.” Tachanka pouts, let’s go of the man and goes to put it away. But he gets an idea and searches for the missing CD. He opens and closes different cases that hide under the Tv. He ignores Kapkan, who is watching him silently with much interest, and he pauses, thinking. Out of impulse, he opens the CD player. There it is. He smiles brightly, turns to the other man and points to it.   
“See? There it is!”  
“Alex…” Kapkan begins, looks as if he doesn’t even want to start but proceeds anyways, his expression knitted with frustration. “Do you even know what the movie is about?”  
“Nope!” He answers, smartly, with a shake of his head. “But that’s the beauty of all this. Adventure!” He says, emphasizing the ‘Adventure’ with his hands, making a rainbow. It makes Kapkan laugh, though it’s more of a breath, and he smiles, looking back at the computer.   
“When I’m done. It~ shouldn’t take long. I just want to check something really quick. Okay?” he says, and Tachanka can’t help but rush over to him, kissing his cheek and hugging him tightly.

And so Tachanka sets everything up, waiting for the other man, who, like he said, doesn’t take long. Kapkan starts the movie up. As it begins to play, Tachanka finds himself quite surprised, as well as excited, when he watches Kapkan lay him down, sitting on top of him, straddling his body, seductive enough to make the straightest man in the world hot. He points a finger a Tachanka, jokingly, but it’s a warning that he knows he should follow.  
“If I miss my appointment.” He says with a smile, not even bothering to hold it back. “It’s on your hands.” Tachanka’s smile grows as he watches as Kapkan settle down, pulling up a blanket as he lays on top of the taller man, resting his head on the other’s shoulder, feeling comfort in the other’s arms.

____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
He wakes up late, and it is not even through Act 1 of the movie when it is already 1 in the morning. So, he curses himself, carefully gets up and turn the CD player off. He makes a mental note of where they left off, or at least where he recalls leaving off, before he went to sleep. 

Doing so he turns back to the now sleeping Kapkan, checks him over. He knows best not to wake him so he rushes off to their quarters, undoing Kapkan’s nicely made sheets, careful not to wake the other two, and rushes back to his friend. 

The light from the kitchen still glows orange, and the smell of spices from the soup is long gone. It’s quiet, and he wonders what would happen if he opens the door of the hidden hallway, the one that leads to the ‘hidden’ balcony. He doesn’t try it, instead, turns off the kitchen light, but he makes a note of going out there one day, maybe tomorrow, with Kapkan by his side. 

He creeps up to Kapkan, removes the blanket slowly, so the man won’t get awakened by the colder air, and puts it back where it belongs, folded. He’s more than careful not to wake Kapkan now, he has done this many times before, which has left him with multiple experiences; he knows what movements will wake the sleeping man and what won’t. So he’s careful to lift him, and though he is bit heavy from chubbiness and muscle mass, Tachanka’s able to lift him with ease. 

He stands there, carefully moving his arms in a more comfortable position, and when he feels tired arms wrap around his neck, he knows that he is ready to go.

The walk is comforting, and since the Spetnaz quarters are closer to the Rec Room it’s not half bad. He partly wishes it was longer, wanting to be able to walk all the way down, maybe, to the FBI rooms, or maybe even as far as SAS, but he knows it’s hard for him to carry Kapkan long distances, so he keeps the wish to himself. 

When he gets to his room, he moves his body in away where it would be impossible to whack Kapkan’s head against the door. He’s done it before, multiple times actually, and for some reason this is the only door he does it on, and with Kapkan’s current condition, he makes sure to become a little extra more careful to be cautious. He knows he looks ridiculous while entering, but it’s a safer way, so he doesn’t care.

He’s even more careful tucking him in; he waits for Kapkan to roll over and get comfortable before pulling the sheets up to the man’s shoulders. He kisses his temple, ignoring the feeling of kissing the man on the lips, and puts himself to bed, tired of all the walking. 

____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
He wakes up to Glaz and Fuze arguing. It’s hushed, he can’t hear the words, but he knows the voices like the back of his hands, knows that tone of voice that they are speaking in. But he goes out of it, ends up falling back asleep just to find a piece of paper stuck to his forehead. It’s Fuze’s handiwork, as it’s one of his fancy dancy sticky notes, but the writing is done in Glaz’s penmanship, written in Kapkan’s point of view saying, ‘Meet me in the Rec Room ~Kapkan’. 

He doesn’t grumble or anything, he simply rolls out of bed, gets ready for the day and heads straight for his destination. He notices, now, that recently, whenever he goes into the Rec Room, instead of scaring Kapkan with hugs and kisses from behind, he stands outside and knocks, as if he’s a guest not welcome. He sees Kapkan come over and look, hands brushing each other clean, though they look as if they’ve been washed a thousand times and then some. He watches Kapkan beckoning him in with a wave from his hand, and, when he enters, he watches the man head back over to the kitchen. Tachanka can’t help but follow, dourly, sitting on one of the stools of the Island. 

“I was thinking, maybe before we go,” Kapkan says, pouring two bowls of oatmeal, “We could watch as much as the movie as possible…”  
Tachanka watches as Kapkan pushes one of the bowls towards him, as if it’s normal, but Tachanka begins to think that it isn’t, and he pushes it away. He wishes that he didn’t; it looks delicious, and quite frankly he’s starving, but he doesn’t want to eat.   
“I’m good,” he sighs and looks Kapkan in the eyes. He puts a smile on his face, but Kapkan’s looks contorted, confused.  
“Are you okay?”  
“Yes. Why?”  
“You don’t seem…you’re self.”  
“I’m fine.” Tachanka says quickly, climbing off the stool, as if he’s about to escort himself and leave. But he stands there, he knows, as if he doesn’t have the permission to do so, and he doesn’t; he lets Kapkan stare into his eyes, looking for something.

“Tachanka…Are you…mad at me?” He’s careful with his words, but he’s also careful to be blunt. Tachanka keeps his mouth firm and tight. He wants to scream, not out of anger but maybe frustration, and he’s not sure why, all he knows is the he wants to scream, but he doesn’t. And he knows that Kapkan can tell, by the look on his face, but he says nothing, just keeps searching his eyes for answers he’ll never get. “I’m not.” Tachanka says, finally, and Kapkan says, looks away but his gaze returns, quickly.   
“Well then, would you be willing to watch a movie then?” He asks and Tachanka sighs. In all and all he just wants to go and meet Glaz and Fuze in the cafeteria, that’s all.   
“What movie?”  
“The one we watched last night. The Adventures of Milo and Otis, I do believe it is called~.” Tachanka sighs, shoulders rolling.  
“Sure.” He says, “Why not.” He watches Kapkan. He can barely tell that Kapkan faked being relieved, and he begins to feel bad. He wants to be Glaz, wants to learn to be introspective. Maybe he wants to be Kapkan, learn how to be self-reliant enough to tell what’s wrong. Maybe even be like Fuze, have people already have answers for his temper, without needing a reason. But he isn’t any of them, he’s him, and he’ll just have to deal. 

Kapkan sets up the movie, sits on the side of the couch farthest from the kitchen, closest to the tv, so there is space between the two. And half way through watching, Tachanka feels something is wrong, and for the first time that morning, when he looks at the other, he finds he misses his touch. And when he can’t stand it he places his hands on Kapkan’s hips, and gently forces the man to cuddle with him. It’s nice, and he finds himself smiling when Fuze rushes in, irritated, thinking that they’re not on time, even though it’s a bit early to leave.  
“Let’s go, lovebirds!” He shouts before slamming the door, and Kapkan laughs, getting up to put away his dishes, saying that they better listen. He’s nervous, Tachanka can tell, or at least is starting to get nervous, and it’s when Kapkan is at the door, with him turning off the machine, that Tachanka remembers the balcony. 

Kapkan protests to the idea, thinking that they’ll anger Fuze some more, but Tachanka grabs his hand, leads him across the room and opens the door that he’s never been through. Going through he sees bookshelves full of books at the end of the hall, likely installed by bored Operators, and an opening, just before the books. He leads Kapkan there, saying they’ll be quick. 

He’s not the first to walk outside, in fact he follows Kapkan’s example, who realizes that Tachanka’s never really seen the view. He takes the older man’s hand, guides him across, shows him the best views and the not so great ones, explaining as much history that he knows of for each one. But Tachanka can only focus on one; Kapkan.

It doesn’t take long for him to find himself kissing the flesh of his neck, his lips barely putting pressure on the area he is warming with each breath, but it’s enough to make Kapkan pause with each kiss, as if his brain is an old computer, freezing time and time again. 

The act isn’t sexual at all. It’s an act of love and is romantic, or at least that’s what he means it to be. But, despite the difference, he wishes it to happen only during private moments. He wonders if that’s why he didn’t want the Germans to know the other day, of what they do when people aren’t looking. He wonders if Kapkan feels the same about it, or if it’s really just an act. He wonders if it just turns him on, wonders what Kapkan does after when he isn’t looking. The thought alone makes him go from standing at Kapkan’s side, holding his hand, to standing behind him, holding him at the hips, pulling him in, wrapping his arms around the slightly smaller waist. 

When he moves behind the ear he adds more pressure, licks the helix, and nibbles the lobule. His breath is steady while Kapkan’s is not; it hitches sometimes, depending on what he is doing. And right now, Tachanka feels a little adventurous. He goes to make a hickey where he knows no one will see, but when Kapkan tells him, despite not needing too, ‘not before surgery’, Tachanka bites the part that is more pleasurable to Kapkan, letting his hands roam hidden skin that he’s never felt before. It’s soft, he finds himself focusing on that instead, a knee pushing in between Kapkan’s legs from behind. The man breathes, turning his head toward Tachanka. He gets the hint, starts his kisses on his cheek and moves down. He feels the man make room for him, cocking his head away. When Tachanka bites the crook of Kapkan’s neck he is earned a honeyed moan, but is warned against hickies once more. He rolls his eyes, but complies; this man is too saccharine anyways; Like candy, if consumed too fast it will result in cavities and tummy aches. 

These moments are more special to Tachanka. Touches are slow, kisses soft, and breaths are heavy but in harmony with one another. Especially if bodies are pressed together; if not, then they are harsher, faster, disjointed, like scared workers trying to put two moving pieces of a train back together. Like everything else they do together, communication is required. There is no known goal, but they must work together to achieve one anyways.

Without words they listen to what they hear and feel; touches say so much here: Each one is a word, breaths are responses. Tachanka says what he wonders, whenever he runs his hands over Kapkan, who response back, with surprise, pleasure, anxiety, or discomfort, whenever he hitches a breath, when he rolls his back and buttocks against Tachanka’s front. Sometimes he gets what he wants by controlling Tachanka’s hands. 

Today he is in control, grabbing his wrist and leading them down while rolling his butt up. For some reason, to them, this may be Goodbye. 

There is a knock behind them, and Glaz’s gentle voice beams out, asking if their coming. The two waits for him to leave, but when they realize that he’s waiting for their answer, Kapkan speaks up.  
“Yes,” He says, turns, and steps into the younger man’s view. He doesn’t care about his flushed face and heavy breathing. “Yes, we’re coming.”

____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
The ride there is quiet in the back, but talkative and loud in the front. Tachanka sits behind Glaz, wonders if it’s wise to let Fuze drive. Both are good drivers, but they each have their own faults. 

He looks at Kapkan, who stares out the window, head in his hand, the other on the empty seat in between them. When Tachanka touches it Kapkan flinches away and doesn’t return, so he doesn’t try again. 

Glaz calls to them, to make the silence not as defining. He tries to make them join in on the conversation, but poor kid, it doesn’t work, and he coughs. Fuze says something to him in Uzbek, a language he’s been able to teach Glaz, who simply sighs and says he tried. 

Tachanka feels pressure build; it’s the knife, which he’s tried too hard to keep down, but now the day has come, and nothing is working. He needs Kapkan, but he only makes it worse.

The closer they are, the more nervous the older two get, as if the reality about the whole situation suddenly hit them right in the face. And before they know it they are there, and Tachanka’s not sure where this fear of hospitals came from. 

They get Kapkan inside and to his room. The professionals explain everything, wanting to keep him in a few extra days to make sure his brain hasn’t been too terribly damaged by the pressure. At some point during the whole thing Kapkan pulls Tachanka aside, asks him what is wrong.  
“Nothing…” He says simply, confused by the hostility.   
“Aren’t you angry at me?”  
“No why would I be? I feel fine…”  
“No you’re not!” Kapkan spits, “Tell me the truth.”  
“I am!” Tachanka spits back, glad they’re whispering, but wished that they weren’t angry whispers.   
“Bullshit!” Kapkan takes a step back, getting sassy. “If you’re not then why were you so hostile? You’ve been so hostile with me lately. Why? I want to know why?” Tachanka stops, sighs. He’s stumped, yet he doesn’t back down, and he’s not sure why.  
“I’m not.” He says gentle and calm, “Must’ve been in your mind.” It doesn’t make the situation better and Kapkan stomps away to his room, complaining on how he can’t believe Tachanka, and to be honest Tachanka can’t believe himself either. 

But he finds the strength to make it up later, before he leaves. He’s not sure who’s talking, to be honest he’s lost interest. If it’s anything important he’ll find out later. What’s important is the angry man beside him, one foot on the floor furiously tapping away. He leans towards him, whispers in his ear, without anyone else noticing, a “Too be honest, I’m scared.”

It takes Kapkan a moment, but his foot stops, and Tachanka sees how much the sound secretly bothered Fuze; at least he probably, hopefully, won’t complain about it on the way home.   
“What?” Kapkan questions, and Tachanka leans forward more, eyes staring into the other’s.   
“I’m scared. That is why I’ve been hostile. I don’t know how much I’m over reacting, but I don’t want to lose you.” He feels cheap and cliché, but it’s the truth. It surprises Kapkan, and Tachanka forces himself back into the conversation, so he doesn’t miss anything else. A hand slithers its way into his, and he smiles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “When you carry a frown you will see more frowns; when you carry a smile you will see more smiles.”   
> ― Bryant McGill, Simple Reminders: Inspiration for Living Your Best Life
> 
> “Our language has wisely sensed these two sides of man’s being alone. It has created the word “loneliness” to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word “solitude” to express the glory of being alone. Although, in daily life, we do not always distinguish these words, we should do so consistently and thus deepen our understanding of our human predicament.”   
> ― Paul Tillich, The Eternal Now


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected. Maybe they always have been and will be. Maybe we've lived a thousand lives before this one and in each of them we've found each other. And maybe each time, we've been forced apart for the same reasons. That means that this goodbye is both a goodbye for the past ten thousand years and a prelude to what will come.”   
> ― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook
> 
> “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”   
> ― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
> 
> “You endure what is unbearable, and you bear it. That is all.”   
> ― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Princess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The feels train is back you guys! And is here to stay... somewhat.

They visit Kapkan one night, the sun down when they get there. Tachanka doesn’t want to go in at first, so Glaz and Fuze takes turns going in and out, giving the two of them company at the same time. Eventually Kapkan gets upset, wanting to see Tachanka, with no exceptions. He says that he knows he’s out there, and if he refuses then to just remind him of his promise. That’s enough to get him to go into the room, with the younger two boys. 

He’s uncomfortable with the sight that’s laid out in front of him. It shows, but he doesn’t let it hinder him, taking the chair that sits next to the bed. 

Kapkan reaches for his hand, and he gives him it, rubbing his thumb over the man’s knuckles. He doesn’t speak, instead watches the laying man, talking to the other two. Eventually they leave, and it’s just the other two, who remain silent, listening to the beeping of machines. Tachanka knows that Kapkan can feel the tension. It’s frustrating, but eventually the younger man doesn’t let that stop him from speaking up.   
“Why are you so quiet?” Tachanka shrugs, says he doesn’t know and is given a panicky smile. He asks to see Tachanka’s phone.  
“Why?” He asks, and Kapkan shrugs.   
“I was talking to Glaz about Finland, and we got into a conversation about houses… and eventually we started looking… But I found some that I like, and I’d like to…show you them…if that’s all right with you…”   
Ah, yes, the Finnish dream. Tachanka hands him the cellular device, watches Kapkan look up the addresses. He leans over, watches Kapkan scroll through the pictures, all of them the perfect house for him. They are all on the outskirts of cities, some not even close to the arctic circle. He doesn’t sound so proud of them to be honest, sounds like someone on those televisions shows, who can’t pick between three different options. He tries to sort through the tension, feeling happiness behind the heavy barrier. He’s glad that Kapkan’s been able to think of Finland at a time like this, something he can’t seem to do.

Eventually Kapkan stops on the recommendations on one of them, excuses himself to look at it more thoroughly. Apparently, he’s skipped over it, not caring for it. But now he studies it, looking at it more deliciously then he had the other ones. 

He gasps, shows Tachanka what he found. It’s nothing like what Kapkan had wanted. It’s in the country side. With a big field, where there’s a lot of snow and he can see the sun setting, though the description sounds familiar. It’s a cute house, sort of. It’s very old, with apparently four levels; basement, attic, top floor, ground floor. The price for it is cheap, but it’s run down, needs fixing, heat, water, love; something that they don’t have.   
Kapkan gives Tachanka back his phone as he closes the app.

“It’s only a dream,” He whispers, looking at the door that sits across the room, past his feet. Tachanka feels the butter knife pull away, it’s done trying to cut the butter, and now he feels weak. He can tell Kapkan feels it too. Suddenly they break, together.   
“Kapkan…”  
“Hmm?”  
“I can’t.” The other man looks at him with horror.  
“ Can’t what?”  
“I can’t do this anymore…” He watches Kapkan’s eyes become glossy as his expression softens.  
“Alex…please. Don’t…” The whispers make Tachanka sniffle, but he keeps himself composed.   
“Kapkan I~ Look. I’m sorry, so sorry. I know I promised you, but I… I can’t do it. We can’t do it anymore.” He gets up to leave.  
“Alex please! We can still work it out. We can! I swear I~”  
“No we can’t, Max.” He watches Kapkan pause, mouth open. “No, we can’t.”

The other man looks away, into the back of the door, defeated. This isn’t what they wanted, not how they wanted it to happen, but it’s for the best. And with that Tachanka leaves, cleaning up his composure, before telling the other two that Kapkan fell asleep, and that he’d like to go home. 

____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
He doesn’t take things well, going home that is, he finds. He almost freaks out after leaving Kapkan in the hospital, and on the way back to Headquarters, he can’t help but let the tears fall out. 

Glaz and Fuze give him the privacy, they talk among themselves while driving among the wet roads, music from the radio playing softly in the background. It’s not pop music, Tachanka doesn’t remember what the style is called, but he likes it. He tries to change the subject on his mind, wonders if his father might know. It works partly, and he does his best to focus on objects that interest him, wondering who in his family might know more about it. 

Eventually he gets Fuze to stop to get drinks, he needs one. Fuze wants to go straight home, Glaz agrees with Tachanka, feeling peckish, so they stop at a gas station; he gets some tea. 

It’s worse back home. He heads to the Rec Room. No one is there. Cedarwood and tea whorl around the room, dancing with the orange light of the kitchen. He doesn’t understand why he stays. He knows why he came, to feel better, but it’s not working. Here’s where he hurt Kapkan. 

The tea is warm when he starts drinking it, and it’s a nice accessory with the blanket wrapped around his lap, but he keeps his sip slow and spaced. It grows cold, and he doesn’t want it anymore. Eventually he thinks he wants to put it down, but the table is too far and the arm stand is too close for comfort, so he holds it, eventually finishing it. 

He keeps the room quiet, thinking he’s going to sleep in there for the night. When he returns to the kitchen he turns to a drink to warp his mind, filling his cup with it. It smells like a Cigar Box, but tastes of liquorice. It burns his throat, he drinks it quicker than the tea. 

He goes to put his cup away, but he pours a second one. This one goes just as quickly, and he pours a third, and fourth. He watches his vision fade, he feels relaxed. He’s more confident in letting tears roll out, letting any emotion come out. Kapkan would’ve been proud, maybe, to see him like this. To see him let something that’s been holding him back, emotionally, out and letting go of any fears. He likes it too, so he drinks some more, getting lighter, becoming number. Soon he’s seeing double. 

He feels someone taking him to bed, not sure if it’s one, two, three, or four people, but he talks to them. He doesn’t know what he’s saying, but it’s something. He talks until he’s put to bed, then it’s just him talking to his dream, asleep for the rest of the night. 

____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
He’s forgot what the word ‘So’ means. He’s not sure why it’s given him such a panic, but it does. He wakes to Glaz still sleeping; the bedroom light is on and there’s a glass of water by his bed. The world outside is painted black, and he finds himself guessing the time. He also takes time to look around, sees he’s in Kapkan’s bed. Probably too drunk to get into his own. It was probably for the best. 

He settles back into the warm sheets, watches Glaz sleep and waits, only to sit back up to take a drink of water when he needs to. Fuze comes back, eventually, stops to stare at Tachanka as if to process the sight in front of him.   
“Oh,” He says, finally. It’s slow, not drawn out but interested, and his eyebrows crease, somewhat like how Tachanka’s or Jäger’s does whenever they’re confused. “You’re up.”

The weight of the bed shifts, and it’s comforting though the younger is awkward. “How are you feeling?”  
“Fine, thank you. Yourself?”  
“I am all right.” There is a silence, interrupted by Glaz shifting in his sleep. The two watches; he sleeps like a baby. Like nothing bad is happening, and the two of them wishes it was like that every day.   
“You were out of your mind last night.” Fuze says suddenly, and Tachanka’s gaze is not met.  
“I~ don’t understand…”  
“~Like, you got yourself crazy drunk. It scared me, and it scared Timur. You kept putting yourself down, kept blaming yourself for everything. Saying you’re a waste of time…” He turns to him, angry, but it’s a different type of angry. He’s becoming motherly, a position he’s not use to, one he has to force his mind into. He’s not angry at Tachanka per say, but at himself, for not understanding the role better, yet he continues;   
“It is not your fault that Kapkan is the way he is now. It is life’s. And besides, he loved you! He loved being with you, and spending time with you. He would never think that way about you, that thing…those horrible thoughts, and you should not think that way either, Alex. You deserved better! The time you spent with him, the love he gave you, the attention… You deserve all of it! He deserves all of that, too!

Do not take that away from him, please…or that would mean that he just spent a lot of time on nothing. Then you would be a waste of time…not just to him, but to everyone! Even too me and Timur. And I do not think that anyone wants that…” He finishes, doesn’t allow the other to speak, waking Glaz up and quickly hopping in bed. 

Tachanka is left to think. He knows that Fuze is right; Kapkan loved the time he spent with him, loved the feeling he got from it. It is wrong to take it all way, but Tachanka is at cross roads. He knows Kapkan doesn’t deserve it, but he feels as if he himself does. And he knows it’s a one option choice; take it away or just to leave it alone, and he’s not sure what to choose. So instead he thanks Fuze, thanks him for the advice.   
“You are welcome.” The man says. “Now get some sleep, you will need it.”

____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
Fuze is right, somewhat, about having a busy day. They planned out his day already, and he’s not able to agree or disagree on it. 

He meets them at the cafeteria. No one’s gotten food, and it’s clear that they’re going to eat out. It’s nice, and everyone is able to take their mind off of Kapkan for a while. Glaz does most of the talking, which is odd. He talks mostly of a show he’s found on the internet, then starts to talk about dreams and memories that remind him of it. He often flips between the two subjects. It’s weird and strange, the way he talks, but hes tone is oddly adorable. Both of the other two Russian finds themselves smiling, engaged but quiet. 

Soon he runs off, excusing himself. Tachanka asks Fuze why he’s like this, wondering if maybe their plans have gotten him excited. However Fuze reveals there’s no real reason, only assumptions; he’s just having an oddly hyper morning.

And Tachanka is to assume that he is correct, as they don’t see him afterwards, and they have to go about the rest of the day without him. They get permission to leave for the entire day, asking if they can have someone cover for them if they are needed, and then take a walk-through Hereford. 

It’s quiet one, and though he knows it’s a horrible idea he wants Glaz back, for him to yap his mouth off and make the whole situation lighter again.   
Fuze takes Tachanka to a small café. It’s quiet, and when they order what they’d like it gets worse. Tachanka, when he gets his food, can’t help but watch as he picks off pieces, making the poor pastries crumble. Fuze looks at him, watches carefully when his interest isn’t what is happening outside. Tachanka focuses, hearing less and less of the chatty conversations of quiet people around him, on the harsh rain hitting rooves and streets outside. Sometimes he sips his tea, other times he stirs it. 

Eventually he does both; First he stirs then sips. Once his throat is oiled he moves himself on the chair, so his arm isn’t holding his head anymore, but instead is laying on top of the other.  
“You know where we are?” He asks and Tachanka looks at his shirt, how it’s short arms gently hang off his triceps, the white of it delicately tracing skin that has the soft feel and colour of cattails. He finds that his eyes can’t look up any further, so he doesn’t try.   
“Yes,” he says, throat lumped, the skin under his eyes turning cool. Fuze nods, doesn’t press further for a while, giving Tachanka time. He continues after Tachanka takes another sip of tea.  
“Do you want to leave?”  
“No.” Tachanka says. He looks Fuze in the eyes but his gaze drops and he shakes his head slowly. “No… I don’t.”

Fuze nods, sighing he sits up to lean back in his seat. Another drink after unfolding his arms gives him some confidence, and he seems more comfortable in his new role as ‘Mom’. Tachanka just notices this, it makes him huff out a laugh, to which Fuze’s head goes from one side to another, a slippery smile on his face whilst his eyebrows fuse together with a curious contentment.   
“What are you laughing at, Mr. Downer-Head?” He laughs and Tachanka looks him in the eyes, groaning with relief and comfort as he leans against the small round table between them.   
“You.” He sighs, looking at their meal. Fuze simply blinks.   
“…Me? Why? What did I do?”  
“Nothing. You remind me of a young mother, that is all.” He thinks looking at the ground. “You know that of the Recruits; you know the ones. They’re younger and kiss up to you… Well they call you ‘Mother’ sometimes. And simply, I find that funny…” He looks at Fuze, who sits, arms crossed, eyebrows that were once comforting now sits still with angry concern; too simply put it, he looks contently pissed. “What?”  
“I am going to punch them…” He grumbles.  
“No Fuze!” Tachanka laughs, genuinely. “No, you’re not!”

“And you are going to stop me.” He asks, but it’s not a question to be answered, yet Tachanka laughs and nods, smiling gleefully. When he calms down, he stirs his tea. He doesn’t take a sip, instead watching the liquid swirl around in the small cup.   
“You know~ me and Kapkan use to come here a lot after we became friends.”  
“I know…” Fuze says “It is where you too became friends…” Tachanka doesn’t say anything, but stirs the tea once more. He knows it’s getting cold, but he doesn’t care. 

“He acted so cold back then, but I knew he was sweet. He has changed a bit though, hasn’t he?”  
“That he has.” Tachanka smiles, miserably.   
“That he has.” He takes a sip, and his nose turns hot; He blames the steam. “I miss him.”

It’s quiet. Tachanka’s not sure why he is so miserable all of a sudden, but he thinks that Glaz and Fuze’s plans includes him getting out his feelings. It's working, he thinks, but he secretly wishes that it wasn’t. 

“I am so sorry…”  
“Why?”  
“For being miserable.” Fuze looks at him, concerned. “Tachanka…”  
“I just. I’m sorry.” Fuze places his hand on Tachanka’s and the touch isn’t distant, which is both comforting and not. He knows why Fuze did it; he found the problem to Tachanka’s depression, something Tachanka can’t do.   
“Tachanka… what did you tell Kapkan when we left the hospital?” Tachanka shakes his head, he can’t talk about it.   
“I’m sorry.” He whispers, shaken. “I am so, so, so, so sorry! I don’t know why I’m being so miserable. Kapkan is in good hands now. He is getting surgery. He is… I don’t know why I’m crying so much… we should’ve been affected before he got the surgery, but we weren’t and, oh god Fuze! I made a mistake! I made a terrible mistake.” He whispers, stuffing his face in his hands. He sobs quietly, and when he is done he takes a quick look around, seeing no one is watching, that or they don’t care. And Tachanka doesn’t care too, as long as there’s no fingers pointing. 

The waitress comes back over, and he is quick to hide his face from her. He doesn’t listen to what they talk about, only listening to the sound of the rain. He feels a hand on his shoulder. It’s strong, and he knows that it’s the waitress consoling him, and he is thankful for that. 

____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
They walk to the bench that Fuze takes Glaz, when they both need some up lifting. There Tachanka apologizes for his behaviour, but Fuze tells him not too.   
“It is fine.” He says. “Do not worry about it.”

They take a taxi back to base, though they decide to get dropped off just a few blocks before the address. The ride is quiet, but Tachanka watches his thumbs twirl around. 

“I’m sorry.” He says and Fuze looks at him.  
“I already said that it is fi~”  
“I just feel heartbroken.” It’s quiet, and Tachanka realises that the other is waiting for him to continue. “I feel like someone broke my heart. You know when someone breaks it off with you. Whether it’s you are together, or you’re engaged. And you’ve been together for years, but then it suddenly ends. That’s how I feel…” Fuze takes a minute, then smiles, leaning in close.

“I would hate to feel like that.” He anecdotes, Tachanka laughs, and when they return home, they find Glaz fast asleep, already tucked in bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “You'll stay with me?'  
> Until the very end,' said James.”   
> ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “As we get older, it matters less where you are and more who you're with.”  
> ― Crystal Woods, Write like no one is reading
> 
> “Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.”  
> ― Mark Twain
> 
> “Don’t walk in front of me… I may not follow  
> Don’t walk behind me… I may not lead  
> Walk beside me… just be my friend”  
> ― Albert Camus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final stop on the Feels Train!
> 
> So I found this cool audio voice reader, and I ended up laughing my butt off at the difference voices. Especially when I had the sad voice on for the climax of the story. Hi-larious

Tachanka spends the night in the Rec Room a couple of days after. He drinks a glass of wine, but is careful about the amount. Only one glass, he promised Glaz, who rests his head on top of Tachanka’s lap. Fuze is here too, because he doesn’t feel like being alone, whether in the mess hall, or in their shared room. He sleeps on the other side of Tachanka, head on his shoulder. 

He looks through a book of pictures Glaz has. Most are of Rainbow’s operators, the rest of scenery, all quite beautiful, in their own way. Tachanka thinks that he has one for everyone at Rainbow, he even has one of Six. He looks at the most memorable pictures, when everyone takes place in some childish act or the places they’ve been. He stops when it’s a picture of him and Kapkan, sleeping. It’s from when they first slept together under the same sheets. He realizes that’s when the problem started, and so he closes the book, not wanting to think about it, but the feeling that they shared stays in the back of his mind, and he smiles, sipping his drink.

____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
He’s able to put the others back to bed safely. He carries the photo book and his wine glass, now filled with cranberry juice, around. He sips at it, sitting on Kapkan’s bed as he looks through the book once more. He knows that he is looking for the pictures of him and Kapkan; when he finds it quickly, he goes to looks at his phone for the time. He is not sure why, but he ends up looking at the web, seeing that he never exited out of the tab Kapkan had. He stares at the house, Kapkan’s words going through his head. He knows that he shouldn’t, but he ends up calling a close cousin of his, one who lives in America, wealthy and happy. The phone call is answered, and the voice is groggy, but it’s happy none the less. 

“Alexsandr!” He says. “What a pleasant surprise!”  
“Hi. Yury.” Tachanka says.  
“Alex! You know you can call me George!”  
“I know!” Tachanka says; feeling cotton mouth coming on, he takes a sip of cranberry juice. “But I have a problem. I don’t want to involve you but~”  
“Anything you need, I got it!” He smiles at the quickness of his cousin, laughs unconfidently at his happiness. “What do you need?”  
“I want to buy a house…”  
“In America?”  
“No… Finland.” There’s a pause and he bites his lip. “And I don’t think that I have enough money, so see, I was wondering….” He waits.  
“Alex?”  
“Yes?”  
“Let me get this straight. You want a house, in Finland? Correct?”  
“…Yes….”  
“Alex…Why?”  
“Because. It’s for someone.”

“Alex, you know that I won’t do that. I’d like to, if it was you, because I know you, but I don’t know them.”  
“But I do!”  
“Alex no.”  
“But it’s for someone special!”

“No! No more buts. Now please, get some rest”  
“He just got surgery.” He says quickly and it goes quiet on the other line. He sucks in a breath. “He just had a brain tumour removed, I already know where it is! It’s not expensive, even for American money! It does need to be fixed but I could do that Yury please!” He feels himself close to tears. “Please I need this.”  
“Alex,” His cousin says finally “But you know where I cross the line~”  
“But I think I love him!” He doesn’t hear anything, and his cousin sighs.  
“Where is it Alex?” He says tiredly. Tachanka tells him everything, from where it is to the cost. His cousin asks more questions when he’s done, like how much it would be to fix it up and the likes, Tachanka tells him willingly.  
“I’ll see what I can do.” His cousin says at the end of everything, “But no promises.”  
"Thank you Yury... You're the best... And I promise, you won't regret this."  
____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
The next night comes rolling along, and Tachanka spends it looking through Glaz’s photos. With Glaz’s help he’s found more, and looks through them. He drinks cranberry juice from a large mug, and he only spends most of the time looking through the ones that have Kapkan. 

They show his sweeter side, when he smiles and laughs, some smaller hobbies he practices, like crocheting and growing plants, hobbies both therapeutic and helpful to one’s own survival. He smiles at them, handles them with care. Glaz comes in to the room with Fuze, and Tachanka is quick to put down a picture of Kapkan.  
“Too late…” Fuze says lazily, “We already saw.” Tachanka sticks a tongue out as Glaz comes behind him.  
“What one are you looking at?” He asks as Tachanka tries to stop him, but it’s too late. He feels his face grow red as Glaz says ‘aw’, tells Fuze it’s one of Kapkan, who proceeds to give Tachanka a devilish grin.  
“Don’t!” Tachanka warns and Glaz laughs, entering his view.  
“Why are you just looking at Kapkan’s pictures and not the others?”  
“Because he’s in love.” Fuze mocks and Tachanka whips his head at him.  
“Am not!”  
“Are too!  
“Not! I just… was looking…”  
“Because you are in love!”  
“Fuze!” Tachanka warns, and turns back to Glaz. “No, I was just thinking about some good old memories we shared.”

“Ooo~ Like what?” Glaz asks. Tachanka sees Fuze sit down, interested. He smiles, nervous and flustered.  
“Nothing. Just the better ones.”  
“Do tell us!” Glaz protest and Fuze joins in. Feeling overpowered, Tachanka gives in. He tells them all of them. Glaz is quick to point out that Tachanka is hiding some, but Tachanka retorts, saying that he was just saving the best for last, gets crossed when Fuze doesn’t believe him. He says that there’s six of them, tells them from least importance to last. He doesn’t tell them because he misses those memories, he says, and he doesn’t hold on to them because he misses the man, or that they’re his better memories, but a reason for him to live, he thinks. He feels happy telling them, there’s no weight on his shoulder like there recently has been. 

He sees Glaz and Fuze shine from his happiness. And when it’s done, he feels awkward, but is mostly happy about what he’s done. The three talks for some time, but then it comes for the two to pick up Kapkan. They ask if Tachanka’s coming, and when he feels the weight of the world coming back to him he is quick to say no. No, he doesn’t want to go.

____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
When Kapkan comes back he is immediately taken to the Rec Room to wait for the party, though he doesn’t know it. Kapkan’s stay in the Rec Room is an immediate surprise to Tachanka, who sits on the couch, reading, waiting for the water to boil for his tea. He has plans for the day, and when Kapkan’s arms wrap around his shoulders, his lips against Tachanka’s cheek, soft and loving, he whispers;  
“I miss you…” into the other’s ear. Tachanka can’t really seem to find any words or feelings, so he hums a greeting to the younger man, and gets up when he hears the kettle whistle. Kapkan follows, to his dismay.  
“But you don’t really seem to care…” He mutters and watches Tachanka pour his water. He knows that Kapkan is waiting for him to speak, but he doesn’t give him the satisfaction. Instead he looks to the floor, his gaze ahead, pushing past the other man. Kapkan follows.

They both sit down, but Kapkan sits on the couch across from Tachanka, his face distorted in unknown emotions and he pulls his feet up on the couch. Tachanka feels his eyes on him, and he never offers him anything, never says anything. 

Fuze and Glaz comes back for Kapkan eventually, and they take him to the cafeteria: where the Charity will be revealed to him. Glaz asks Tachanka if he’s coming. He sighs, and goes, but sits in the back corner, away from everyone, only talking to either Castle, Jackal or the German boys, who occasionally ask if he’s okay, and to say that they’re glad that he hass changed his mind about not attending. He’s not, he hasn’t. He’s only doing this for Glaz. 

Though he helped plan the whole thing, he pulled out of it the day after he visited Kapkan, not wanting to be a part of it anymore, wanting all traces of him gone. And it had scared everyone, knowing something must’ve went down between them. He’s glad that no one asks, but at the same time he wants someone to talk to. 

It’s only when he sees the man he once thought of as his own, the man who was once sick with a tumour, dancing and enjoying himself that he leaves. He doesn’t know if any called his name, to see if he’s fine, or if anyone followed him. Instead he goes into the Rec Room for some wine glass and some liquor, and heads back to his quarters.

There he sits on Kapkan’s bed, drinking the liquor out of a wine glass, flipping through one of the photo albums, relaxed. He learned that his cousin bought the house, fixed it up and furnished it. Tachanka feels guilty, but it’s been done, and there’s no going back. He hears a knock, and a nasally distinct, Russian voice comes into his ears, the person it belongs to smiling welcomingly:  
“You know that wine glasses are made for wine, right?”  
“Maybe I just like how it looks.” Tachanka bites and he feels the warm happiness of the man evaporate. 

“Alex…Don’t be like this!” Kapkan retorts, coming over and sitting next to Tachanka.  
“I can be however I want to be….”  
“Alex!” Kapkan snaps, making Tachanka’s gaze move from the photos to his eyes with a gentle lift of his hands. “Stop it! I don’t know what I did, but I wish I knew.” Tachanka swallowed a lump in his throat.  
“Shouldn’t you be at the party?”  
“I snuck out.”  
“Why?”  
“Because I wanted to see you.” Tachanka sighed.  
“You shouldn’t have.”  
“Why?”  
“Because I don’t want to see you!”

Kapkan pauses, and he feels surprised to find no emotion in the other’s eyes, and he feels angry with himself.  
“You’re a joke! A joke!” Kapkan spits; Tachanka feels himself getting cotton mouth and looks away. The man waits before saying; “Don’t you have anything to say for yourself?”  
“I’m just wondering how you’re so happy right now.” Tachanka retorts, looking into the man’s eyes. “How you can just dance and sing like nothing has happened…”  
“Because I can! Because I’m alive and well now!”  
“…Maybe you shouldn’t be.” Tachanka mutters, hurting, knowing that he’s not in the same book as Kapkan- scratch that, in the same library and city as him. But nonetheless it doesn’t stop him from muttering that phrase.

The words hit Kapkan hard, and he sees Kapkan grow angry. It enough for Tachanka. He pushes himself off the bed, putting the album on the bed, heading towards the door.  
“And where are you going?”  
“To take a walk.”  
“No!” Kapkan snaps, gets in Tachanka’s way with his arms out. “You’re not going any where’s until you tell me what’s wrong!” Tachanka simply walks around him, not caring and done with the whole thing.

____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
He gets under the bridge when he hears his name being called, sees its Kapkan chasing after him. He doesn’t stop to catch his breath, nor cares about it.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Kapkan screams at him. “You played with my feelings and act like you loved me and that I was special to you. That I was your best friend. You played with my dreams, wrapped me around your fucking fingers, and made me into this big fucking joke, like I’m your trophy wife or something! You practically had everyone else believe the same thing. You are still making everyone believe it! And the moment I get a tumour, you start backing out of what we had, like I’m a disgusting rat. And maybe I am. That’s how you made me feel right now!” Tachanka finds that he’s speechless, never seeing Kapkan this angry. It’s nothing like how the man punishes his Recruits, it feels so much worse, like the punishment is increasing the more the man speaks. He feels like those poor Recruits in the rumours about himself, and that Kapkan is him; He feels like this is how the story to the rumours actually end, with unforgiving heartbreak.

He watches the man, and despite not knowing what to say, he takes a step forward, tries to make the man stop before he really hurts them but he knows. He knows that he deserves this, but Kapkan? Kapkan doesn’t. He’s too innocent.

The man smacks his hand away with all his might, telling him not to touch him, and Tachanka thinks that he’s about to hit his face, so he flinches at the heartbroken man, who is shaken and obviously torn, takes a step back.  
“Maybe you were right,” He says, looking at a pebble besides him, “Maybe you were a waste of my time. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked you to come and sit with me at that café the day we met.” He sniffles, rubs his cheek when he finally realizes that he’s crying, “And I know that I’ll never forgive you… but I just want to know why you would treat me like shit? I thought I mattered. Didn’t I?” He asks and Tachanka just shrugs.

“Why!” He asks, tears forming his face, and Tachanka takes in a shaky breath.  
“Kapkan I don’t know~.”  
“That’s bullshit! And you know it.”  
“Kapkan, really, I… I don’t know!”  
“Tachanka” Kapkan laughs, “We were friends. We were closer than close! And I’m pretty sure we couldn’t have been anything more! And then you decide to just end it, like our friendship meant nothing to you, and you won’t even give me closure!” Tachanka blinks.  
“Is that how you actually feel?”  
“Yes.”  
“That’s really how you felt? Like we were just, ‘Friends’?”  
“Yes! Do I have to spell it out for you?” Kapkan says, and Tachanka finds himself confused, not sure how to feel. Kapkan gets him out of his thoughts, with one last plea. 

“Please tell me what’s wrong? Did someone die and I just don’t know it, and you’re taking it out on me? Did I do or say something! Did~ did Fuze or Glaz say something? Was it because I forced you to come in see me when you visited? What was it? Please! Tachanka, please! Tell me.” Tachanka doesn’t look at the crying man, feels tears fall himself and swallows, wishing he’s brought the liquor with him.  
“No,” He said, wanting to put his hand on Kapkan’s cheek, to wipe away tears with his thumb like he had done some many time before. “No, no you didn’t do anything.” He feels weak, the knife finally comes back, hovering over the butter. 

“Then what happened.” Tachanka licks his lips.  
“Nothing. It’s just…I feel like…it feels like there’s something distant between us. Like…tension…And I can’t handle it…I …. Kapkan.” He sniffles and looks away.  
‘I know that it started with the tumour, but it just feels like you don’t care anymore. Like you were falling in love with someone else, that’s why the tension is there,’ He wants to say, but he doesn’t, the realization of Kapkan’s words coming to him too fast, too soon. So instead, he just talks to himself, not caring if Kapkan can hear or not.  
“We were just ‘Friends’… nothing else…” He mumbles to himself, makes quotations with his fingers. Believing Kapkan isn’t listening anyways, letting Tachanka’s words go in one ear and fly out the other this entire time, he continues. “I thought… we were… we were…but we weren’t…” He briefly looks at the man in hopes that his realization was wrong, but he still looks angry, looking at the pebble like he’s planning a million diverse ways to murder Tachanka without anyone knowing. It’s true, he realizes. Why would he have been special too him? How could he have been special? No wonder why Kapkan doesn’t seem to hurt from their argument in the hospital. Tachanka really was nothing to this man. He was nothing but support to a man who potentially loved another. Just a friend, hell maybe an acquaintance, to him. Maybe even a therapist who he could see whenever he wanted, a therapist who betrayed. And it hurts. Tachanka looks away. “That’s all we were… Just friends…And I don’t…I…”

‘I don’t, I didn’t want to be…’He thinks, not worthy of the thought.  
“You don’t? You don’t what? Want to apologize, fix it?!” He hears Kapkan shriek, and he closes his eyes once his mind finally settles. They were just friends, nothing more, maybe something less. He and Kapkan had been on different pages for years, and he never knew it. He was just in a dream, lost in the clouds. To be completely honest, he’s glad that Kapkan pulled him down to earth as harshly as he did, even though it’s not at the best of times. It makes Tachanka wonder if his distance from the man was a plea to make Kapkan stop rubbing it in his face, to make him stop basically saying that they’re just friends, and that he doesn’t care, that he was out of his league. 

He remembers a woman Kapkan knew, how he had talked about her daily. He wonders if they were a couple now, wondered if they were planning on marriage. He wonders if their talks about Finland were just dreams, realizes that they were supposed to be fun little games for them that he had taken too seriously, and realizes that he should just keep dreaming. He wonders mostly about the house, having his cousin buy it for Kapkan. He realizes that Kapkan must have been joking about it, realizes that he wasted everyone’s time, realizes that it’s best if he goes. It hurts too much, all of it. He wants time for himself, though he doesn’t even deserve that. He’s able to keep himself from sobbing with a hefty sigh, which leaves his lips like he’s not even worthy of it. He hears Kapkan gasp.  
“Alex?” He says, like the man is coming at him with a knife “How did you feel like we were?” 

Tachanka looks at him, and the man looks concerned. He shakes his head, hoping it’ll put him at ease. Fearing that he’ll make it worse he says, “It doesn’t matter. I’m going to go for a walk. Why don’t you go back to the party? You can forget that this ever happened…”  
“Alex…”  
“It’s fine.” He watches Kapkan, who looks like he is struggling. Tachanka feels himself blame himself, not knowing what else to do. He will be the one to forever hurt Kapkan the most. And in a time where this man needed him the most. And for what? His sick twisted game? His natural ability to ignore Kapkan. They were what Kapkan thought they were, just friends. And he hates himself mostly, mostly for not being there for him when he should’ve, but there’s nothing he can do about it now, but then to let their relationship fall apart. 

He sees the horror in the other man’s eyes when the realization comes to him. He realizes what has been going in Tachanka’s mind for the past minute or so, then Tachanka can’t recognize his emotions anymore and it goes silent in his eyes.  
“Oh Alex…” He undertones with a shake of his head. Tachanka doesn’t know what to do. He just shrugs.  
“Just go back to the party.” He says weakly, “It’s fine.” He doesn’t want to startle the man, seeing as he has for years. This is the best thing to do, he feels, and it’s better for Kapkan. So, he goes to walk away, to put everything behind them. And it’s not like he really wants to, but he knows that he has too.

But he feels Kapkan turn him around, hand on his shoulders.  
“Alexsandr…” He says, looks him in the eyes. “Alex, what don’t you want, tell me so I can understand. So, we can be on the same page at least. I don’t want~.”  
“I don’t care.”  
“I do.” Tachanka looks away and sighs. He doesn’t really care anymore, he just wants to run away from all of it. He’s done with it all.  
“I don’t want to be your friend. But I’m so sorry if I thought we had something more.” Kapkan looks away, mumbling to himself while the other bites his lips.  
“Alex…we…I…”  
“I didn’t mean it…” Tachanka finds himself blurting and he watches Kapkan’s face go from uncaring to surprised, “I’m sorry that I ruined our relatio~ friendship. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you. That I made it about myself. I really am sorry about everything, but I think it’s best if we part ways…”  
“Alex, I’m not going to part ways with you.”  
“But you should…”  
“Why?”  
“Because it’s better for you if you do…” Kapkan takes a moment.  
“And what about you?”  
“What about me? Who cares?”  
“I do…” Kapkan says and pulls Tachanka into a hug. “I care. You were my best friend, but not like that. It was special, like it was more than that…you were the one I could go too when I had a problem. You were the one I could trust. …”  
“Don’t,” Tachanka mutters, hugging him back, “I deserve this…”  
“But you don’t,” Kapkan says, “I loved you back. I’m sorry I made you feel this way, but I thought you didn’t care anymore. You…you were the one…” 

Their hug isn’t enough; the knife slowly cuts the butter, though the bottom is too thick for it to go through all the way. Desperate, they meet each other’s gazes, breathe hushed and light, sharing air. With bated breath, they suck in one last breath, eyes closed, heads tilted. At first, Kapkan kisses the corner of Tachanka's mouth, but then desire fills them, and everything disappears, expect for the splashing of water that wets them. Kapkan screams, Tachanka jumps, and he smiles when he sees Kapkan laugh, suggesting a bath after collecting himself. 

____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
They get back, expecting Kapkan to be caught. It’s by Fuze, who’s been looking for him, demanding where they went. Kapkan explains, putting in most of the details, sparing some. It’s enough to put Fuze at ease, though he’s curious as to why they’re wet, but Kapkan tells him not to worry, and both parties get set on their way. 

Both men grab a pair of clean, warm clothes, heading to the showers is a comfort and Kapkan is more than eager to get out of his clothes. Tachanka takes his time, mostly because he quietly watches the other man before going into his own stall.  
He never hears Kapkan go into his, he never hears water start. He feels a hand on the back of his leg, screams as Kapkan invades his privacy, and feels a hand on his lips.

“Shush!” Kapkan says, picks up the bar of soap and begins to soap up Tachanka, who can’t but blush, biting his lip as he keeps all of his feelings and emotions, both physical and mental, in check. “I want to talk, about everything. So that we’ll be on the same page, and we can both be happy, finally.”

____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
Both men lay in Tachanka’s bed, Kapkan’s back against the wall. His head lays on Tachanka’s shoulder, his hair invaded and played with by the other’s fingers. It’s soft, and Tachanka kisses it sometimes. Kapkan’s hand lays on the other’s bare chest, tracing shapes. 

They’ve done nothing but laid here, sleep hasn’t rescued them from liveliness.  
“Do you feel it?”  
“The Knife?”  
“Yes…” Kapkan starts into the blanket of darkness that shades the room. He stops making shapes, stares into Tachanka’s eyes, “I’m afraid.”  
“Because it won’t go away?” Kapkan nods slowly, sitting up.

“Yes. It’s just there, and it won’t leave. I feel like it’ll never leave…I’m scared because I let you walk away once, and I don’t want that to happen again….” Tachanka runs his hand through Kapkan’s hair, swallowing.  
“You didn’t let me… I forced you~”  
“No…no I let you. I didn’t do anything to stop you.”  
“But, how could you?! You were in a hospital bed, recovering, Kapkan!”  
“But I could’ve said something!” Kapkan says, stares him in the eyes. “I could have, but I didn’t because I thought you would come back. And you didn’t.” He says, tears coming. “You didn’t and I was so scared I lost you.”  
“And you did.”  
“I know.” The two share a moment, Tachanka wiping away a tear from his dear Kapkan’s face. 

“I’m sorry.” He says, and Kapkan’s brow furrows with question.  
“Why?”  
“For breaking the promise.”

“Oh, Alex.” He whispers, “You did what you could.” They smile at each other, only for Kapkan to wipe away his own tears. “Look at me. I’m a mess.” He said, and Tachanka tells him that he disagrees.

“I finished the movie.” Kapkan said, louder than what he should’ve. Tachanka snickers.  
“Movie?”  
“The one we watched before the appointment.”  
“You finished it?” Kapkan laughs, nodding. “Yes, I did.”

Tachanka takes Kapkan’s hands, lifts them up, palm to palm, trying to tackle him. “How dare you!” He says, the other laughs. It continues, getting louder and louder.  
“Go to sleep!” Fuze shouts at them, to which they do.  
“Maxim?”  
“Hmmm?”  
“I bought the house.” Kapkan lifted his head off Tachanka’s shoulder, confused but anxious.  
“The…the house?” Tachanka smiles and nods.  
“The one in Finland.” He says. “That you loved so much.”  
“Alex~” Kapkan stumbles, says he can’t believe him, that he doesn’t know what to say. Tachanka chuckles.  
“Well, I guess I did lie a bit. I had my cousin, Yury, buy it, and I was going to fix it up. But he decided to do it, anyways. I guess he called someone to do. And he furnished it too. Kapkan we own a house together. And I don’t have to pay him back, as long as we stay together. We just got to get you applied for citizenship, something I already have, and we could live there, together. If you want.” He hears Kapkan’s breathing becomes harsher, louder.  
“I’d love too,” He says, and Tachanka hear something soft hit the ground, then feels himself get hit with a pillow from below. He asks the other two why he’s getting attacked with pillows, who only laugh and tell him to go to sleep. But he doesn’t ignore Kapkan, who’s watching him with such wonder and happiness, he wonders how he isn’t dead. Now Tachanka realizes why Kapkan had fallen in love with the house so quickly. 

____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
Tachanka sits at the bench, it’s lunch time. It’s quiet here. Kapkan still doesn’t come with him anymore, and he’s sure Sharon and Petr left. He’s all by himself, and though it feels lonely and empty he feels use to it.

Days of sitting alone can have its effects on a man, he thinks, no matter how good or bad, how much or how long. There will be effects.

“Where are my birds?” He hears and looks up, sees Kapkan looking around. He blinks.  
“They haven’t come back. Not since they figured out you weren’t returning…Good riddance…” He shifts himself so Kapkan is able to lean against him.  
“Maybe they left because you were always an ass to them…” Tachanka laughs.

“Hey! I fed them whenever they came by…They didn’t always take it~”  
“Probably tasted like ass…” Kapkan moves his head back so he’s able to look into Tachanka’s eyes, who cracks a smile, showing teeth.  
“Why are you being a jerk?! I though the surgery removed all of the tumour?”  
“Hmmm~yeah.” Kapkan mutters, still looking, “Not when my birds are missing, it doesn’t.” Tachanka hoots again, head reeling back.  
“It wasn’t my fault.”  
“It is your fault until my birds come home!” Kapkan retorts “They were our children!”  
“Oh God I hope not! I hate those creatures!”

Eventually Sharon, Petr and the Murder comes back. Tachanka thinks that he’s be relieved, feeling like he’d have his life back again, but God does he hate them! So disgusting, so hideous. 

The day they came back Kapkan was ready, meat in hand, his usual meat cutting rocks hidden underneath the bench. He put the meat farther away, so Tachanka could be happy when they eat, but eventually Sharon and Petr decided to eat their share on Kapkan’s knees, not like he minded. 

Eventually Tachanka grows use to them, Kapkan helped him to grows use to feeding them with his hands, something he’d never thought he’d enjoy; well, at least until he would see the blood drip on Kapkan’s pants, that is. 

But he swears, Sharon and Petr, they were stealing Kapkan away. He just knew it. And he resented them for that. He was his, and not some dumb birds of prey…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “The greater the pain associated with love, the more likely a person is to be attracted to others who will inflict this pain…for isn’t this what love is? Hurt people tend to hurt other people.”  
> ― David W. Earle
> 
> “You don't build a family by tearing down another one.”  
> ― Donna Lynn Hope


	21. 6. Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart.”  
> ― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore
> 
> “The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. It's the loneliness of it. Memories need to be shared.”  
> ― Lois Lowry, The Giver

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I think that the offical joke in this story (other than Jason Bourne) is the fact that I think Spetsnaz should be spelt Spetnaz... for some reason...

Alexsandr wonders if the reason Maxim was so self-sufficient was because he like psychology. Like how he wondered if the reason why Timur was so introspective was, because, he was an artist.  
He studies psychology in his free time, reads and rereads the books he hits, studies them until he can recite each one, word by word perfectly. Sometimes he takes notes of the things that interest him the most, and stores them in an accordion folder.  
Sometimes, he goes into town and gets more books to study, careful not to get the ones made by the rich and famous house wives and husbands who took one too many experts advice, and now think that they have all the answers to everything. Sometimes he'll take Timur and Alexsandr to the book store with him, let's them get a book or two and pays for it willingly. Alex isn't all too sure where he takes Shuhrat, but he has a few ideas.  
But sometimes, the books aren't enough. He needs a computer, something to store his notes in better, something to go on the internet, and learn the things that his precious books aren't teaching him.  
So, he would use the old computer in the rec room, sometimes on there for hours just to study. Sometimes he would go to bed late, other times he would simply just fall asleep there, and Alex would turn off the computer and would put a blanket over him, sometimes laying him on one of the couches or he would carry Max to bed.  
Most days though, Alexsandr would sit next to the computer, the back of his chair on the wall, legs crossed with a book in his hands. He would steal glances at Maxim, who sat with his legs crossed and off the floor, one hand covering his mouth, the other on the mouse, a look of deep concentration in his face.  
Sometimes, Alexsandr would wonder if Maxim would've made a better psychologist then soldier, wonders if Maxim could've chosen that path instead of the factory, if he had the chance. Sometimes he asks, but he just receives a shrug from Max.  
These were quiet peaceful times. Sometimes the other operators would have a bit of loud fun in the room, and the two would watch with happy interest until Maxim would join.  
Alexsandr wonders if this is why Maxim was the Hunter Mother. He wonders if this is why he is so open minded, why he is successful in what he does.  
Alexsandr understands if he himself is open minded. He is blunt. Speaks his mind freely without care.  
He's gotten in trouble with it before, yes, but some of his ways of thinking have been corrected over the years.  
He used to travel to Finland after joining Spetsnaz, after the Soviet Union fell, and he felt part of his world change. It was eye opening, mostly. But now he is an old man, who often reads next to a younger man, who is almost exactly ten year his junior.  
But one thing is for certain. He wants to take Maxim to Finland, he is so much like the them. He feels Maxim would like it there.  
And he’s certain that a dream he has had for Maxim for years, is to live with him there. It’d mean some much to him if it were to come true. But a dream is a dream, and most dreams don’t come true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “There comes a time in your life when you have to choose to turn the page, write another book or simply close it.”  
> ― Shannon L. Alder
> 
> “The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there.”  
> ― L.P. Hartley, The Go-Between


	22. The Dream and the Union

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “When we were together before, the world was small to us, but as you grew bigger to life and the world became desirous to living, we became smaller to each other.”  
> ― Anthony Liccione
> 
> “How do you look at your best friend the same way again when you know the flavor of his mouth?”  
> ― J.M. Stewart, Risking It All

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last Chapter! Thank you so much you guys for letting me share this story with you guys! It's been somewhat of a journey, with learning out how to edit and post it while dealing with a fresh new start of college and all. I'm glad I listened to my friend, and I hope you guys have a fantastic evening! Peace!

They take their time moving in. While Tachanka moves his things into the house, Kapkan pays his hospital bill with the Charity money, just before Six calls in the Spetnaz team in, one day, wanting to know if he or anyone on the team needed anything. He was asked if he wanted any early retirement, something Rainbow would be more than glad to pay for, but he refused, wanting to stay. So, he gets a payed vacation, which is more than enough time to get settled into his new home with Tachanka. 

The latter comes back, picks them all up and they fly to Russia, heading to Kapkan’s house. Packing everything brings Kapkan and Tachanka closer, and the drive is long, only needing one nigh time stop, but is comforting. 

Kapkan is sleeping in the front seat, and when they get to the house it is Glaz who wakes him up. It’s the most beautiful site he’s ever seen, and he sees boxes everywhere, but there’s no sign of Tachanka or Fuze. 

When he gets out, he can’t help but ask Glaz if he’s dreaming. A bit concerned, Glaz answers him, says no, and asks if he’s alright. Kapkan answers back, says he’s fine.  
“I just feel like I’m dreaming.” He says, looking over the house. “But I guess it is because I was sleeping for so long.” Glaz puts a hand on Kapkan’s shoulder, and when that doesn’t get his attention, he says his name, pulling him in a hug.  
“I’m fine.” Kapkan mumbles. “I’m fine, just help me with the boxes.”

They grab a box, each labelled where they belong, and carry them inside. Kapkan can’t help but look around once he enters. Everything seemed so serious just weeks ago, and now it feels like sweet release. 

He walks into the living room, a beautiful fireplace before him. There is furniture which accentuates the ancientness of the house, and the dark colour of the wood seems to ironically make it shine brighter. He sets the box down, not daring to set it on any piece of furniture. He hears footsteps coming close, his name called. He turns to Tachanka coming at him slowly, and he runs to him, pulling him in a hug.  
“How are you, sleepy head?” He asks and Kapkan pulls away.  
“Stay here,” He says, much to Tachanka’s confusion, but when he runs off the man understands. Kapkan looks through all of the rooms, everything looking more and more beautiful than the pictures he saw online. Never had he fallen in love with something so quickly, and he’s glad he did. He finds a small room, most likely a guest room, which faces the horizon, where the sun rise can be seen fully. The window shows a large field, and a forest. It’s all wonderful, and Kapkan feels like he’s claimed the room. He tells Fuze this when the man speaks to him, passing by, a heavy box in arms. 

When he’s done, he runs back to Tachanka, who waits for him in the living room. He pulls him into a hug. Tachanka laughs, and hugs him back. “Are you happy now?”  
“Yes, very.” Tachanka smiles.  
“Do you love it?”  
“Of course.” The older man sighs, pushing back Kapkan’s hair.

“Good.” He says. The two stares in each other’s eyes, and for the longest time it feels right, better then how it felt under the bridge. They know the knife is still there, still pushing, dangerously close to breaking. It’s always been there, they’ve just been able to tolerate it, putting everyone else at ease. 

But now it is really there; Kapkan can feel it, and he needs reassurance.  
“Can you feel it?” He asks, eyebrows worried. He watches Tachanka swallow.  
“Yes.” He says, slowly. “I can.”

Kapkan swallows as well, looking down, scared of their future.  
“Alex?”  
“Hmmm?” It’s not the fact that Tachanka hummed, but it was the fact that the wonderful noise he made, made Kapkan realize that he wasn’t alone. Tachanka never broke his promise, he’s been suffering with Kapkan, going through it with him, but at a distance. And though Tachanka could’ve done it better, he’s continued to go through the suffering, to be with him. And Kapkan couldn’t be anymore happier with him.

So, he pulls him in, kisses him gently on the lips. Tachanka kisses back, as if it’s natural. And it is. It becomes a new language, and Tachanka becomes the receiver. There’s no fighting for dominance, it’s not a dance either. Again, it’s a language; every touch of tongue and lips are words, breaths become the tone, and the comfort of being pulled closer and closer into each other’s bodies become body language and the aesthetics. They ignore the watching, surprised eyes of, Glaz and Fuze, the latter of who starts taking pictures. They ignore everything but each other, and Kapkan feels how pleasurable it is to pleasure the other. 

He moves off of Tachanka, kisses his neck, nibbles his ear, and moves back to the lips in an instinct. He presses a few more kisses onto the other’s lips, staring him in his eyes. Then the knife makes a final push, cuts throw the butter, and they snap out of it, watching a flash come into view.  
Tachanka snaps at Fuze, a chase is in sued. Glaz calls for them not to run in the house, turning to Kapkan to tell him to make them stop, but he sees how much pleasure Kapkan is in. Happy for him, he goes to do it himself, chasing after them, putting the camera down after one last picture.

____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  
They’ve lived there for a while; Kapkan’s healed completely, or at least as much as he could heal. They don’t sleep in the same room most of the time. Every Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday they do, however. 

Kapkan likes to sleep in the small room, and watch the sun rise while he wakes. But Tachanka doesn’t like to sleep there. The room is too small to have a bigger bed, and the current one is too small to fit two full grown men perfectly, let alone one man and a Tachanka. 

But they make it work. Today is one of those days. Tachanka holds him close, and Kapkan watches the window, enjoying the sun rise.  
“I hate it here.” He hears Tachanka mumble, and Kapkan’s eyes furrow together.  
“What do you mean?”  
“I hate it here. In Finland. We can’t talk about figuring out where to live anymore, we can’t figure out our lives together. It’s about the only thing we would talk about!” Kapkan laughs.  
“Well we could find other things. Like maybe after retirement. Maybe children…”  
“You want children?”  
“It’s a thought.” He hears Tachanka chuckle, feels his neck getting attacked by kisses. His breaths hitches, and he closes his eyes. The kisses travel, turning into nips and licks. Tachanka is finding the ‘sweet spot’. He’s attacked it once, and never again; he promised himself this. Kapkan knows, but he lets his moans, breaths and back tell Tachanka to go for it. And he does, making the other yelp in pleasure. The sensation is amazing, and Kapkan watches the rest of the sunrise through squinted eyes. Soon it’s over before either of them know it, and Kapkan gets out of bed, ready to take a shower. 

He’s the first one down stairs. Standing in the kitchen making tea and oatmeal, he scribbles notes and dates on polaroid pictures for his photo album book that Glaz had given him, watching, through a window the world, waking up. He feels arms wrap around him, lips on his neck.  
“Can I have some?” Tachanka asks about the oatmeal. Kapkan laughs.  
“No.” He jokes, a smile on his mouth, turning around. “No you may not.”  
Tachanka smiles back, kisses his lips.  
“I’ll have you then…” He whispers. Kapkan finds himself pushed back on the counter, hands on Tachanka’s chest. The kiss is slow, seductive, distracting. Kapkan finds himself lost, but with every touch he is led back on course. Soon he remembers what he was doing, shoves a strawberry in Tachanka’s mouth, and continues his work. Tachanka hums, takes a bite.  
“I thought I couldn’t have any!” He says and Kapkan mocks him.  
“Of course you can have some! Stupid!” He hears Tachanka laughs, who simply pulls him in, kissing his cheek, making Kapkan flinch, shoulder shooting up to his ear as he blushes with a small smile. 

Tachanka watches him, head on his shoulder. Eventually he looks at the other man, interested.  
“So,” He says, the bass of his voice moving in swirls through Kapkan’s ear, breath heating it up. “About children…”

The end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Everything has a past, a voice, existed at some point, even things as small and seemingly meaningless as a house in a huge suburb. It’s a house like every other house… but at some point a family lived there, made it theirs, made it important. When people forget that history, that somebody at some point thought the house mattered, it just becomes an empty pile of nailed wood and brick and concrete that gets torn down for some strip mall or chain store to take its place… and that’s what happens more and more now, everything is disposable, always replaced with no thought at all. That’s where things get lost, memories get lost, humanity slips through the cracks, because when we all fail to pay attention to the things that make up our lives, we’re no longer human at all, not really.”  
> ― Rebecca McNutt, Smog City

**Author's Note:**

> “There is no real ending. It’s just the place where you stop the story.”  
> ― Frank Herbert
> 
> Stories don't always have happy endings."
> 
> This stopped him. Because they didn't, did they? That's one thing the monster had definitely taught him. Stories were wild, wild animals and went off in directions you couldn't expect.”  
> ― Patrick Ness, A Monster Calls
> 
> “There is no such thing as a happy ending, but there are endings with happy people”  
> ― Becos Mushenkye


End file.
